# Family Life

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> Source: Bahá'í Library Online (bahai-library.com), curated by Jonah Winters. Used by permission of the curator. Original citation: Will C. van den Hoonaard, Family Life, bahai-library.com.
> ──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
> 
> Family Life
> 
> Will C. van den Hoonaard
> Deborah K. van den Hoonaard
> 
> 1995
> 
> Family Life. A family is a household of people related by blood or
> marriage. More specifically, we can define a family as husband and wife (or
> one parent), with or without never-married children, living together in the
> same dwelling. A household may contain more than two generations of
> people.
> 
> 1. PURPOSE OF FAMILY
> The family is given great importance as it should form the basis of both
> the individual's spiritual development and happiness, and society's cohesion
> and advancement. It constitutes "as the bedrock of the whole structure of human
> society" (KA: 223). Attitudes and relationships developed in the family,
> when transformed to ever-wider circles of the community, can have a direct
> bearing on the order, peace, and wealth of an entire nation (SWAB:
> 279).
> The Bahá'í view of the family is best expressed in terms of
> the position of each individual member to each other to be equivalent to their
> relationship to God. Thus, the efforts of parents to educate their son and
> daughter should be seen in the same light as educating God's children.
> The family provides a fertile ground to nurture children, the future
> adults, to love the Creator, to become spiritually minded, to "conform to the
> rules of good conduct," to acquires "all the graces and praiseworthy qualities
> of humankind," amongst other virtues (PTF, 63).
> 2. STRUCTURE AND NORMS
> a. Bahá'í Structure of Family. There is only a
> general sketch that defines the structure of the Bahá'í family.
> Bahá'í Writings suggest that the extended family, rather than the
> nuclear family, will be the norm. The distribution of inheritance, for
> instance, suggests the importance of the extended family.
> Although the father is the "head" of the household (Letter from House of
> Justice, 28 Dec. 1980), both parents carry the authority and primary
> responsibility for the family. The Kitab-i-Aqdas enjoins parents to
> instruct their sons and daughters to read and write (KA, para. 48) and
> to "rear them in the bosom of sciences and arts" (SWAB, 127). It is expected
> that counselling children takes place over a long period (SWAB,
> 135).
> The mother, as the "first educator of the child" (SWAB, 138),
> occupies the most important position during the early years of family life,
> responsible for the spiritual and material education of her children. She
> should "nurture the health" of her children and guard them from disease"
> (SWAB, 126). The mother has the right to be supported by her husband,
> while he has no such rights.
> The husband's primary responsibility is to "provide for and protect the
> family" (Family Life, 30). Fatherhood is forfeited when a father fails
> to assume these responsibilities.
> Children have the duty and moral obligation to obey their parents (Letter
> from House of Justice, 28 Dec. 1980). According to
> Bahá'u'lláh (Bahá'í Education, 4), children
> will not learn to obey their Creator, if they do not obey their parents. The
> eldest son, in particular, has the moral obligation to see to the needs of his
> mother and her offspring.
> `Abdu'l-Bahá (PUP, 168) emphasized the need to constantly
> consider the "integrity of the family," and the importance of not transgressing
> the rights of any family member. Each member of the household has prerogatives.
> If their rights and prerogatives are not maintained, it is impossible to
> sustain the unity of the family. In the Bahá'í view, all members
> of the family have "mutual and complementary duties" (Ltr from House of
> Justice, 28 Dec. 1980).
> Bahá'u'lláh emphasizes the importance of blood lines,
> as indicated in the distribution of inheritance and the need to obtain consent
> for marriage from one's biological parents, even when one is adopted.
> The Kitab-i-Aqdas (q.v.) prescribes monogamy and forbids one's
> marrying his or her stepparent. Cohabitation, and trial, companionate, and
> common-law marriages are not allowed.
> b. Bahá'í norms. The division of labour and
> household tasks are not specified in the Bahá'í writings,
> except for the education of children. Some Bahá'í authors (e.g.
> Hellaby, 16) have remarked that the Bahá'í teachings place
> responsibility for the early, informal training of children in the hands of the
> mother, while the father must see to the later, formal aspects of their
> education. Homemaking is "a highly honourable and responsible work of
> fundamental importance to society" (KA, 193). Even when such a division
> is specified, family circumstances and the course of family life, foresee a
> deeper involvement of the father in the early stages of the education of
> children, and the mother's assuming tasks outside the home.
> Hospitality constitutes a key ingredient of family life. Essential
> to hospitality is the ability to welcome people of diverse background and
> offering food and shelter. When hospitality is offered to a gathering of
> Bahá'ís, the home becomes a "congress of the spirit"
> (SWAB, 94).
> Each household creates a physical environment which, in turn,
> reflects back on the family. A family committed to providing a clean and safe
> environment, including proper physical nourishment and hygiene of its members,
> benefits in ways that lend support to its primary goals. Cleanliness has an
> effect on spirituality. The KA (para. 151) ordains that every 19 years,
> if possible, the furnishings of one's home should be renewed, to promote
> "refinement and cleanliness."
> Relationships within the family should be characterized as "not
> dictatorial authority but humble fellowship, not arbitrary power, but the
> spirit of frank and loving consultation" (Ltr from House of Justice, 28
> Dec. 1980). Neither husband nor wife should "unjustly dominate" the other
> (Ltr from Guardian's secretary on his behalf, 22 July 1943).
> While embracing advanced societal goals, family relationships appear to
> affirm traditional norms. For example, daughters must be trained to become
> "more self-effacing, more humble, and will defer to and obey their parents and
> forebears, and be a comfort and a solace to all" (PUP, 190).
> Bahá'u'lláh gives children the obligation to serve their
> parents, and "categorically states that after the recognition of the oneness of
> God, the most important of all duties for children is to have due regard for
> the rights of their parents" (KA, "Questions and Answers"). These duties
> extend beyond the death of parents for in return for the trouble and hardship
> endured by parents in raising children, children must "show forth charity and
> beneficence and must implore [from God] pardon and forgiveness for their
> parents" (SAQ, Ch. 62).
> The Bahá'í Writings have no explicit statements on family
> planning or birth control.
> 3. SPIRITUAL, PSYCHOLOGICAL, AND SOCIAL WELL-BEING
> a. Sources of harmony. A pattern of harmony in family life
> requires, in the Bahá'í view, conscious attention to teach and
> develop spiritual qualities among its members. Of note are these qualities:
> truthfulness and trustworthiness, a sense of justice, moderation, respect for
> others, good manners, obedience, self-discipline, and kindness (Hellaby, 26).
> Ruhe (1986) lists 20 qualities.
> Special prayers have been revealed by Bahá'u'lláh and
> `Abdu'l-Bahá for parents and children. In the face of difficulties,
> prayers restore tranquillity in the family.
> The development of the art of loving consultation is a source of harmony,
> and one of "the keys to the strengthening of unity" (Ltr from House of
> Justice, 28 Dec. 1980). It is a difficult skill, because it is premised on
> trust and the need to know what the other person considers a valid area open
> for consultation. Unlike groups of three or more, a Bahá'í couple
> cannot resolve their differences by a majority vote. Under those circumstances,
> the Universal House of Justice advises that there are times when one should
> defer to the other (Ltr, 28 Dec. 1980).
> It is instructive to note that the Bahá'í teachings clearly
> encouraged attention to one's family, if it came to having to decide between
> doing Bahá'í work or family work. Yet, in some instances when a
> family experiences difficulties, the family may well consider together devoting
> their time to Bahá'í work as an effective solution to family
> problems (SWAB, 140).
> 
> b. Sources of disharmony and strain. Since the Bahá'í
> writings encourage inter-cultural marriages, it stands to reason that
> Bahá'í families can be subject to more cultural differences of
> the partners than is the case among many other families. A thoughtful attitude
> and behavior about what elements of cultural diversity contribute to unity, and
> which ones contribute to disunity, may go a long way to resolving
> disharmony.
> The ideology of material acquisitiveness and consumerism, whereby one's
> identity is premised on material possessions and hoarding, also produce strain
> in a family. It is easy to forsake spiritual goals for material ones.
> Hardship can be a another source of strain within a family. In this
> connection, it is interesting to note the Bahá'í Writings'
> emphasis on accustoming children to hardship (Bahá'í
> Education, 31). What seems to matter most, then, is the family's positive
> or negative attitude towards difficulties. A positive attitude results in moral
> and spiritual development.
> 
> 4. THE BAHA'I FAMILY IN THE WIDER WORLD
> a. The Bahá'í family in the Bahá'í
> Community. Bahá'í families occupy a particular niche in
> Bahá'í community life. Among the "essential obligation" of
> parents includes "the active participation by children in Bahá'í
> community life" (UHJ, Nawruz, 1974). Service to the community,
> Bahá'í or otherwise, is perceived as a goal of families. In the
> experience of many Bahá'í families, the wider
> Bahá'í community acts as the wider, extended family (Hellaby,
> 71).
> There are many opportunities for families around the world who wish to
> build a Bahá'í identity. Bahá'í families
> participate in Nineteen-Day Feasts and the holding of Bahá'í Holy
> Days. Daily prayer and reading from the Sacred Writings constitute another
> means of strengthening Bahá'í identity. Attending
> Bahá'í summer and winter schools as a family promote such an
> identity, as well as the cultivation of the Bahá'í habit of
> hospitality, consultation, and valuing diversity. Withdrawing children from
> school (and parents from work) on Bahá'í Holy Days gives families
> an opportunity to affirm their Bahá'í identity.
> `Ayyam-i-Há has become a particularly fruitful time to strengthen this
> identity. Some authors (e.g. Ruhe, 19) recommend that the family "associate
> closely with four or five families" who share that family's values and ideals.
> Family travelling-teaching trips are also helpful in that regard.
> Bahá'í communities, moreover, have an obligation to
> strengthen Bahá'í family life; spiritual assemblies should be
> "concerned with ... families whom it must constantly encourage to unite in a
> distinctive Bahá'í society" (Seven Year Plan).
> 
> b. The Cultural Matrix. Because the Bahá'í community
> is world-wide, one can expect that response to the Bahá'í
> teachings on family life to be quite varied. The presence of many different
> cultures in the Bahá'í world community today prevents the
> development of what constitutes the ideal Bahá'í family. The
> Bahá'í family is an evolving concept, because currently
> Bahá'í families bring much of their own culture into family life
> (Tanaka, Bahá'í Studies Notebook, 138). Some cultures have
> a heightened sense of privacy among the members of a family, while others
> eschew any notion of privacy. Yet, both cultures may perceive their
> relationships as "close."
> Perhaps the most significant Bahá'í teaching for family
> life, affecting families in all cultures, concerns the equality of
> men and women: first, in their relations to each other, the parents, and
> second, the impact of this teaching on children. What may be viewed as a
> distinctive Bahá'í element of family life is the critical
> importance of educating daughters which is "more necessary than that of sons,"
> if it is not possible to provide an education to all. In the
> Bahá'í view, through educated mothers, the benefits of knowledge
> can be most effectively and rapidly diffused throughout society (KA,
> "Notes;" BE, 30). "Mothers are the first educators of the new
> generation." It will, nevertheless, take many generations for families to
> loosen themselves of their cultural matrix and become more closely identified
> with the spirit and practice of giving primary importance to the education of
> daughters. Even in countries where education is available to both sons and
> daughters, the choice of educational goals may still follow traditional lines,
> such as encouraging sons in the technical fields, and daughters in the
> humanities.
> In a wider perspective, one could argue that in the past the family was
> primarily an economic unit, fostering the inequality of men and women. The
> Industrial Revolution has also separated men from family and household life.
> The Bahá'í writings see the family in spiritual terms (Ltr
> from the House of Justice to NSAs, 17 April 1981), although material
> welfare is not discounted, destined to foster equality between the sexes. Some
> scholars (e.g. Linda and John Walbridge, 1986) suggest that the
> Bahá'í teachings bring men back into the family.
> 
> c. Current Trends in Family Life. The aspirations and tasks of
> family life are such that it is essential to "husband" all available resources
> to their success. Current trends in family life, however, make such goals even
> more difficult to fulfill. While many Bahá'í families may feel
> the urgent need to protect their members from these aspects in contemporary
> society, others will also recognize that they have already "inherited" these
> disintegrating trends.
> Regarding family violence, the Bahá'í Writings are
> categorically opposed to the use of force, or the threat of force. Such
> behavior is seen as a "flagrant transgression of the Bahá'í
> Teachings" (Ltr from Universal House of Justice, 24 Jan. 1993). The
> Bahá'í Writings, however, indicate inappropriate uses of parental
> authority: to be too harsh, to censure, use physical force, vilify, and to
> verbally abuse family members. Parents could lose their rights as parents if
> they abuse children (Ltr from House of Justice to an individual, 24 Jan.
> 1993).
> With respect to step families which are increasingly becoming the
> norm in Western society (often termed "blended families"), the
> Bahá'í Writings urge the maintenance of family unity, whether in
> step-families, or not.
> The Bahá'í Faith stands opposed to non-marital
> cohabitation and premarital sex, or in the words of Shoghi Effendi,
> "companionate marriage, infidelity in marital relationships, and all manner of
> promiscuity, of easy familiarity, and of sexual vices" (ADJ, 26). As a
> consequence, the building of a strong family is not distracted by relationships
> and behaviors that take devotion, time, and energy away from forming a
> family.
> For Bahá'í communities there are two kinds of lone-parent
> families. On one hand, one finds families with only one parent due to
> separation, divorce, death, or non-marital reproduction. On the other hand, one
> may expect to find a two-parent household, only one of whom is a
> Bahá'í. In both instances, the Bahá'í parent may
> experience isolation in attempting to guide her or his family along
> Bahá'í lines (Brilliant Stars, 91). These attempts are
> greatly strengthened when the Bahá'í community provides the
> necessary support or when the non-Bahá'í parent is sympathetic to
> these efforts (Hellaby, 118). In any event, one can note differences in whether
> the mother or father is a Bahá'í. It seems that it is relatively
> easier for mothers to maintain a Bahá'í dynamic in the family,
> than for fathers (cf. BE, 51).
> The Bahá'í position on women and work outside the
> home is clear. The concept of a Bahá'í family implies that
> woman is the primary educator of the family, and the man has the primary
> responsibility for the financial support of the family. Nevertheless, this "by
> no means implies that these functions are inflexibly fixed and cannot be
> changed and adjusted to suit particular family situations, nor does it mean
> that the place of the woman is confined to the home" (W, 31). It is
> anticipated that fathers would would play a role in the education of children
> and mothers could be breadwinners. Bahá'u'lláh makes it clear
> that everyone must "engage in some form of occupation, such as crafts, trades,
> and the like" (TB, 26).
> As is already evident, society has, however minimally, responded to such
> situations, either by readjusting work schedules, job sharing, reducing the
> hours of work outside the home, extended maternity or paternity leaves, and the
> like. No doubt, other possibilities will be considered as the
> Bahá'í concept of family life becomes more firmly established in
> the world and society attaches greater importance to household life and the
> raising of children. Naturally, each family will, moreover, achieve its own
> distinctive approach to such matters, to be decided through consultation and
> experience.
> 
> 5. DEMOGRAPHIC ASPECTS OF BAHA'I FAMILY LIFE
> No scholars, whether Bahá'í or non-Bahá'í,
> have devoted research to the demographic aspects of families in the
> Bahá'í community. Various national Bahá'í
> communities have collected Bahá'í census data (e.g. United
> States, Canada), but they are not available or have, as yet, not been analyzed.
> There are at present no means to corroborate or disprove assertions about the
> "high rate of failure for Bahá'í marriages in the West" (e.g.
> Khavari, Bahá'í Studies Notebook, 1983: 66)
> There are, nevertheless, general observations which we can glean from
> Bahá'í news reports. The demographic characteristics of
> Bahá'í families seem to correlate with the relative age of the
> Bahá'í community. For example, one is more likely to find
> complete Bahá'í families--where all members are
> Bahá'ís--in the Middle East, where the Bahá'í
> community has existed longer than elsewhere.
> Geography also seems a determining factor in the kind of
> Bahá'í families we can expect to find. For example, it is more
> common in the so-called Third World to find men who are Bahá'ís,
> in contrast to Western societies where Bahá'í women outnumber the
> Bahá'í men (cf. Hellaby, 98). These differences are bound to be
> reflected in the makeup and social dynamics in Bahá'í families,
> whether complete or incomplete.
> 6. BAHA'I LITERATURE ON FAMILY LIFE
> a. Bahá'í Writings. Letters from the Universal House
> of Justice, 28 Dec. 1980, and 24 Jan. 1993 are key documents discussing the
> relationship between men and women in family life, and violence and sexual
> abuse of women and children, respectively. Preserving Bahá'í
> Marriages (1991) is a memorandum and compilation prepared by the Universal
> House of Justice. Bahá'í Marriage and Family Life (1983),
> Bahá'í Consultation, and Bahá'í
> Education are other compilations of Bahá'í writings
> pertaining to family life.
> 
> b. Prescriptive and Educational Works. Education in the
> Bahá'í Family (Madeline Hellaby, 1987) discusses the
> education of children from a Western perspective as a basic principle of family
> life, with particular focus on character training and the equality between the
> sexes. Mothers, Fathers and Children (A. Furutan, 1980) provides, from a
> Middle-Eastern viewpoint, practical advice to parents. When We Grow Up
> (B. Nakhjavání, 1979) explores general issues of raising
> children in the light of Bahá'í teachings. Guidelines for
> Parents (Margaret Ruhe, 1986) provides much practical advice to parents.
> The Australian Bahá'í Community published A
> Bahá'í Parenting Programme (1990) which presents practical
> suggestions and extracts from the Bahá'í Writings on parenting.
> A Fortress for Well-Being: Bahá'í Teachings on Marriage
> (BPT, USA, 1973 and later editions) continues to be a popular guide for those
> who wish to start a family. Other popular manuals include Creating a
> Successful Family (by Khavari and Khavari, 1989), The Family Repair
> Manual (by Agnes Ghaznavi, 1989), Bahá'í Families (by
> Patricia Wilcox, 1991), Creating a Spiritual Home: Mother's Book (also:
> Teacher's Guide) by Deborah Christensen and Delane Hein, both published
> in 1985 in Nairobi.
> 
> c. Literary, Musical, and Children's Works Related to Families.
> There is a modest selection of literary works dealing with family life. There
> is a greater selection of musical works, in the form of cassette tapes, and
> children's books and magazines (See "Literature, Bahá'í"). The
> Chosen Highway by Lady Blomfield (1967) provides a glimpse of family life
> in Bahá'u'lláh's household.
> d. Scholarly Works. Linda and John Walbridge ("Bahá'í
> Laws on the Status of Men," World Order, 1986) discuss how
> Bahá'í teachings regard men as an integral part of the family.
> H.T.D. Rost (The Brilliant Stars: The Bahá'í Faith and the
> Education of Children, 1979), based on research for a Ph.D. thesis, offers
> a chapter on the "Role of the Family, Community, and School." The Divine
> Institution of Marriage (Bahá'í Studies Notebook,
> March 1983) has a number of articles dealing with family therapy, love,
> parental authority, and domestic violence. Janet Huggins in "Exploring Male
> Oppression from a Family-Systems Perspective" (J.B.S., 3.2, 1990: 47-55)
> speaks of the need to avoid the villain-victim dichotomy in attempts to resolve
> male oppression. "The Impact of Religion, Socioeconomic Status, and Degree of
> Religiosity in Family Planning Amongst Moslems and Bahá'ís in
> Iran" Ed.D., U. of Northern Colorado (1981) by Mehri Samandari Jensen
> contrasts Muslim and Bahá'í fertility rates in Iran.
> 
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> — *Family Life (Used by permission of the curator)*