# Principles for Effective Parenting

*Exported from [Holy-Writings.com](https://www.holy-writings.com/) on 2026-06-18 — 1 clipping.*

---

> Source: Bahá'í Library Online (bahai-library.com), curated by Jonah Winters. Used by permission of the curator. Original citation: Don Dainty, Principles for Effective Parenting, bahai-library.com.
> ──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
> 
> PrinciplesFor
> EffectiveParenting
> 
> "Education is the
> indispensable foundation
> of all human existence."
> 'Abdu 'l-Baha
> 
> by Don Dainty
> Principles For
> Effective Parenting
> 
> "Education is the
> indispensable foundation
> of all human existence."
> 'Abdu 'l-Baha
> 
> by Don Dainty
> © 2000 by Don Dainty
> 
> ~AIN
> PUBLICATIONS
> 
> Box 5180
> New Liskeard, Ontario
> Canada P0J l PO
> 
> 1-800-258-545 I
> Canada Wide Toll free
> 
> Phone: (705) 647-5424
> Fax: (705) 647-8366
> 
> Email: wmpub@nll.sympatico.ca
> Visit our websile:
> http://www.nt.net/-wmpub/index.htm
> 
> ISBN: 1-896331-62-9
> Printed in Canada
> Principles For
> Effective Parenting
> 
> "Education is the
> indispensable foundation
> of all human existence ..."'
> 
> Introduction
> 
> One of the most important aspects of life is often left to chance
> - the raising of children to become socially responsible adults, and,
> in tum, raise responsible children, thus completjng a first among many
> cycles of anticipated positive family development. Such a conlinu-
> alty improving family complexion will inevitably reflect beneficially
> uon the "ever-advancing civilization" defined by Baha'u'llah 2 as the
> purpose of our creation.
> There is usually no mentjon made of such processes during
> our school years. And there are otherwise few programs devised to
> formally train parents for their delicate tasks; and family efforts to
> train children to ultimately rajse a family in turn, are mainly indirect
> and often haphazard.
> Formerly, and in more rural settings, one could frequently
> rely on a caring extended family to fill in this or that corner of a
> child's needs, thus giving the parents a much-needed break from Lime
> lo time.
> Now, because of the rural to urban migration, the prevalence
> of the so-called "nuclear family", and the broad economic swings
> that society experiences, many young parents find that both are, of
> necessity, bread-winners. This strains the cruld-raising process and
> means that others are given the task of training one's children in their
> impressionable years, often at considerable expense.
> This picture is further complicated by the frequent break-
> down of marriage and the consequent significant rise of single parent
> families headed by over-stressed women who often exist "below the
> poverty line". Then there is, finally, the all-too-frequent   opting out
> of the male from family responsibilities.
> These, and other counterproductive symptoms, contribute to
> the learning of erroneous lessons by children, and the anti-social con-
> ditioning which plagues a large portion of this generation. And, what
> is worse, these circumstances are likely to be repeated for further
> generations unless positive actions are undertaken to jolt individu-
> als, families and society off that relentless cycle.
> • Principles countering these trends have been marshalled into
> a Bibliography (seep. 15) from Baha'f literature. It assists individu-
> als and couples to take important remedial courses of action, such as
> are described briefly in this essay, and in more detail in the citations
> of the Bibliography itself.
> 
> The Source Of Guidance
> 
> Religion has been a traditional source for values, ethics and
> morals. The Jews believed that their guidance came from the Proph-
> ets who were inspired by God. Christ received His divine confirma-
> tion with the symbolic descent of the Holy Spirit in the form of the
> dove. Bah,:t'u'llah, the Founder of the Baha'f Faith, similarly received
> His Revelation from the Holy Spirit in the symbolic form of the Maid
> of Heaven. In the astonishingly extensive Writings of Baha'u'llah
> and His Successors, fundamental principles are enunciated which
> bear on this all-important matter of parenting.
> For Baha'is, this advice and guidance is truly "manna from
> heaven", and speaks with sufficient authority to be the potent source
> of spiritual principle required to effect the necessary transformations
> that individuals, couples and society, desperately need.
> 
> A Cycle For
> Successful Family Development
> (I)
> As derived from these Writings, the elements in the cycle of
> development toward sound, socially-orientated and well-adjusted
> individuals and families, are the following:
> (2)     serious preparation of adolescents and young adults
> for marriage and parenthood, involving the definition
> of roles of mother, father and children,
> systematic child training in major spiritual values*
> (3)     beginning in infancy and continuing to adolescence,
> involving the standards of xcellence, perfection and
> (4)     distinction in both spiritual and formal education
> deliberate fostering of a suitable family lif as the
> cradle for the growth of all its members,
> (5)     particularly given current conditions, in titutional sup-
> port for the family, not only when in acute need, but
> al o during the developmental proce ses, and
> with the b ginning of a new generation, seriou prepa-
> ration of adolescent and young adult for marriage
> and parenthood, mu t be undertaken once again.
> 
> Th se element are each briefly described below.
> 
> Preparation for Marriage
> "O my servants! ould ye apprehend with what wonders ... I
> have willed to entrust your souls, y would of a truth, rid yourselves
> of attachment to all er ated thing , and would gain a tru knowledge
> of your own selve "~ is Baha'u llah's statement regarding the x-
> alted nature of the human creation. So, ultimately, from detachment
> come the bounty of "knowing one elf,' being aware of one's
> strengths, need , capacities and heartfelt desire , all matters of es-
> sential importance for every per onal endeavours (see Bibliography
> item# 12).
> Helpful in this respect is the injunction: "Bring thy elf to
> account each day ' 4 in order to evaluate, according to spiritual stan-
> dards, the day' benefits and short-comings. Thu one can gradually
> refine one' individual approache to-improv the chance of appro-
> priate success and elf-fulfillment.
> 
> * 52 virtues are defined in it m 2 of the Bibliography listed on p. 15.
> Now, regarding looking beyond one's self, the time has come
> for a major change in our attitude toward the opposite sex. "Divine
> justice demands that the rights of both sexes should be equally re-
> spected since neither is superior to the other in the eyes of heaven.
> Dignity before God depends, not on sex, but on purity and luminos-
> ity of heart. Human virtues belong to all." 5 As in all relationships,
> and particularly for the success of a marriage, this principle of the
> equality of women and men is best learned in childhood. On this
> principle rests not only marital success, but also the attainment of the
> wondrous potential latent in human society.
> One aspect of marriage that seems less and less to be a part
> of pre-marital attitudes, is serious commitment. "Baha'f marriage is
> the commitment of the two parties one to the other, and their mutual
> attachment of mind and heart. Each must however, exercise the ut-
> most care to become thoroughly acquainted with the character of the
> other, that the binding covenant between them may endure forever...''''
> Becoming thoroughly acquainted with the character of one's future
> partner, and the simple mutual determination to surmount the inevi-
> table array of daily tests, difficulties, misunderstandings and disap-
> pointments without succumbing to alienation, is a chief means of
> preventing marriage breakdown.
> "Chastity before marriage and fidelity after" is enjoined upon
> the Baha'f World 7 . And, "The Baha'f Faith recognizes the value of
> the sex impulse, but condemns its illegitimate and improper expres-
> sions such as free .love, companionate marriage and others, all of
> which it considers positively harmful to man and to the society in
> which he lives." 8
> "Baha'u'llah has urged marriage upon all people as the natural
> and rightful way of life. He has also, however, placed strong empha-
> sis on its spiritual nature, which while in no way precluding a normal
> physical way of life, is the most essential aspect of. marriage. That
> two people should live their lives in love and harmony is of far greater
> importance than that they should be consumed with passion for each
> other. The one is a great rock of strength on which to lean in time of
> need; the other is a purely temporary thing which may in time die
> out. "9
> 
> It is widely recognized that lack of communication is a sub-
> stantial contributor to marriage breakdown. About this matter of com-
> munication, we find in the Baha'i Writings: "Settle all things, both
> great and small by consultation. Without prior consultation, take no
> important step in your personal affairs. Concern yourselves with one
> another. Help along one another's projects and plans ..." 10 Even though
> it may sometimes be difficult, effort to communicate frankly, but
> lovingly in marriage, is essential.
> Such efforts assist in the development of love and unity be-
> tween those betrothed, and among all the family members when chil-
> dren arrive. "If love and agreement are manifested in a single family,
> that family will advance, become illumjned and spiritual; but if en-
> mity and hatred exist within it, destruction and dispersion are inevi-
> table." 11
> It is therefore important, though admittedly very challeng-
> ing, to exert oneself strenuously to acquire the instruments of virtue
> and capacity outlined above, and then employ them in dajly life. The
> end is worth the sacrifice, however, as a successful, as well as a sat-
> isfying, marriage will result.
> 
> Parental Roles Defined
> 
> It's evident that the mother, certainly in the first five years of
> life, plays the major, and even the crucial, role. The child naturally
> bonds with the mother and looks to her for all its needs. As part of
> the guidance to mothers, Baha'i literature affirms that: " ... the moth-
> ers are the first educators, the first mentors; and truly it is the moth-
> ers who determine the happiness, the future greatness, the courteous
> ways of learning and judgement, the understanding and the faith of
> their little ones ... Whensoever a mother seeth that her child has done
> well, let her praise and applaud and cheer his heart; and if the slight-
> est undesirable trait should manifest itself, let her counsel the child
> and punish him, and use means based on reason, even a slight verbal
> chastisement should this be necessary." 12
> Because this role is so vitally important as well as complex,
> it is made incumbent on the parents, and if need be, the Institutions
> of the Baha' f Faith, to assure the education of the girls in preference
> to boys, if choices must be made. This is so in order that their chil-
> dren will in turn have the benefit of an educated mother.
> In the Western world there are presently serious uncertain-
> ties on the parl of multitudes of women associated with the wide-
> spread failure of men to take up their role of supporter of the family,
> and to ensure it's security. Unfortunately, estrangement, abandon-
> ment, non-support, etc., are frequently preferred instead. In the Baha'i
> scheme of things, the father's role includes this fundamental, major
> matter of assuring the necessary support for the family, not only fi-
> nancially, but emotionally as well. As this role is given the force of
> divine Law 1\ the deliberate education of boys, from infancy to ma-
> turity, to willingly fulfill this role, is of prime importance.
> In addition to these primary matters, the mother and father
> share responsibility for numerous other child-rearing requirements.
> These include, not only love, affection, education/training/guidance,
> fine examples, discipline and mutual helpfulness, but also, the train-
> ing of elder children to care for younger ones, and the maintaining of
> an orderly well organized home, among others. Exemplary behaviour
> on the part of parents cannot be over-emphasized as: "Qualities of
> spirit and heart are extremely contagious. " 1-1
> 
> Virtues Education In the Family
> 
> Just as guidance is necessary for the "what", or content of
> the educational processes involved in rearing children, equally im-
> portant is the "how" of it. In this there is a parallel to the school
> teacher who needs not only the lesson texts, but also the techniques
> to effectively communicate the desired information to the students -
> a lesson plan.
> The systematic training of children from infancy to maturity
> in the all-important matter of spiritual values, is rather like this. All
> religion has taught the same basic values, but, until this modern era,
> there has been little system to this matter of imparting virtues during
> child-rearing.
> 
> Now scholarship is systematically putting in place the psy-
> chological, pedagogical and other scientific aspects of the process.
> These findings, when joined to the spiritual insights of religion, form
> an effective team that will assure the continuing improvement of civi-
> lization in each successive generation. Baha' fs, generalize this thought
> into a potent principle: as truth is one, there must be harmony be-
> tween science and religion.
> The Bibliography lists a number of fine examples of spiri-
> tual content for child education. In addition, the Virtues Guide (item
> #2), provides a suggested structure and methodology for imparting
> the 52 attributes listed, thus marrying spiritual virtue with scientific
> insights. It provides not only the content but also advice and guid-
> ance regarding the process, important remarks about attitude, and
> clearly described exercises. "It is based on four key principles:
> ( l)    the parent is the primary educator of the child,
> (2)     children are born in potential; their natural qualities
> can develop into positive or negative traits depending
> on how they are educated in their early years,
> (3)     character develops as children learn to make respon-
> sible, moral choices, and
> (4)     self-esteem is a natural outcome of living by spiritual
> principles." 15
> 
> The ultimate goal of such education is excellence, perfec-
> tion and distinction.
> 
> Family Life
> 
> Whereas formerly, the family home was the major centre of
> activity, in the extreme, it has become a place in which to sleep after
> an exhausting day elsewhere.
> The importance of family life is emphasized by Baha'u'llah.
> To begin with, He enjoins individuals and families to start and end
> the day with prayer. The former to inspire and direct our actions dur-
> ing the day, and the latter to afford thanksgiving for, and evaluation
> of, the day's activities in retrospect.
> All family members must constantly strive to establish and
> maintain family unity by cooperative endeavour, sharing meals and
> experiences, and consulting with one another in such a way that the
> opinions of all members are aired appropriately and considered valu-
> able. The many difficult issues of life need to be discussed frankly,
> but lovingly, with patience and perseverance.
> • The children are instructed to pay respect to their parents, as
> parents are instructed to be scrupulously careful in the raising of their
> children. And family members should strive to acquire the virtue of
> being of service to one another in a spirit of cooperative, mutual
> helpfulness.
> When in New York, 'Abdu'l-Baha, the son of Baha'u'llah,
> was asked: "What is the attitude of your belief towards the family?"
> He replied: " ... the family, being a human unit, must be educated
> according to the rules of sanctity. All the virtues must be taught in
> the family. The integrity of the family bond must be constantly con-
> sidered, and the rights of the individuals must not be transgressed ...
> none of them must be arbitrary. Just as the son has certain obliga-
> tions to his father, the father likewise has certain obligations to his
> son. The mother, the sister, and other members of the household,
> have their certain prerogatives. All these rights and prerogatives must
> be conserved, yet the unity of the family must be sustained. The in-
> jury of one shall be considered the injury of all; the honour of one the
> honour of all." 16
> The family is the crucible in which racism is confronted and
> all other forms of prejudice combatted. The deliberate fostering of
> diverse relationships cross divisions of race, culture, religion, na-
> tionality, etc., can be a source of invaluable education for all family
> members. Further, the promotion of association among four or five
> families which share values and ideals can grace life with coopera-
> tion, mutual aid, and encouragement as well as sociability.
> Because children emulate the activity of their parents, health,
> education and enjoyment can result from the sharing of recreational
> activities such as: sport, music, gardening, crafts, museum visits, and
> simple picnics together. On the other hand, children should be given
> responsibilities in the borne so that they learn to cooperate willingly
> - tasks such as making beds and cleaning rooms for themselves, and
> doing the dishes, mowing the lawn, etc. for the benefit of the family.
> Then there are the increasingly difficult questions of the ap-
> plication of rules in the home, and discipline in the family to uphold
> and enforce the rules. In this connection, Baha'u'llah says: " .. .That
> which traineth the world is justice, for it is upheld by two pillars,
> reward and punishment. These two pillars are the source of life to the
> world." 17 Thus rules and discipline come into focus, and their neces-
> sity emphasized. And thus it becomes important that both parents
> agree on the disciplinary measures to be taken, and then apply those
> measures with consistency.
> Parents often can't face the unpleasant aspect of exerting
> discipline. The hope is that the school system will somehow make
> up the shortfall. It is clear that public schools don't, or can't, so per-
> form. So, for most, this vital area remains with parents.
> "Discipline of some sort, whether physical, moral, or intel-
> lectual, is indeed indispensable, and no training can be said to be
> complete and fruitful if it disregards this element. .. Baha'f parents
> cannot simply adopt an attitude of non-resistance towards their chil-
> dren, particularly those who are unruly and violent by nature ... " 17
> While it's clear that children who have done well deserve
> praise and reward, it's also true that the application of appropriate
> consequences to fit each transgression is a prerequisite for success-
> ful child-rearing.
> Finally, because, as 'Abdu'l-Baha has said: "The reality of
> man is his thought" 19 it is of the utmost importance that the family
> attitudes foster the acquisition of an education that fits the latent tal-
> ents and capacities of each child. Thus will each child be given every
> opportunity to develop, resulting in substantial self-fulfillment and a
> personal potential for beneficial service to the human world.
> 
> Supportive Institutions
> 
> All levels of the Administration of the Baha'i Community
> (world, national and local) have some responsibility to assure the
> security of the family and the education of the community to foster
> effective parenting. The main responsibility for such assurance rests
> at the local level where familiarity with individual needs is possible.
> In each community, where more than nine Baha'fs reside, a Local
> Spiritu_alAssembly is elected to care for these and other needs of the
> community.
> Accordingly, Saha' i schools are instituted as an assistance
> to parents. These usually function each weekend during the normal
> school year, or in the Summer, often in the country, for a week or
> more.
> "If parents are able to provide the expenses of this educa-
> tion, it is all right, otherwise the community must provide the means
> for the teaching of that child." 20
> In such schools, there is but one curriculum which applies to
> both girls and boys. It includes virtues education and intellectual
> stimulation involving discussion of principles like the equality of
> men and women, the fine aspects of multi-cultural and ethnic diver-
> sity, the fundamental agreement on spiritual principles manifested at
> the heart of the world's great religions, etc. The ultimate objective is
> Lofoster unity at all levels in preparation for, and anticipation of, an
> ever-advancing, world civilization.
> 
> Conclusion
> 
> The cycle is thus complete. Assuming a suitable level of ef-
> fort on the part of parents, a new generation, better equipped than the
> former one to successfully surmount the challenges of life, is ready
> to begin its work.
> 
> An Invitation
> 
> If you identify with the beneficial aspect of these views, then
> you are invited to contact the Spiritual Assembly of the Baha'fs in
> your locality to indicate a desire to participate and avail your chil-
> dren of the opportunities. Your enquiry will be welcomed!
> 
> References
> 
> 1) 'Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'L-Baha,
> p. 129.
> 2) Baha'u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Balui'u'Lldh, pp. 214-
> 215.
> 3) Baha'u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Bah6'u'/16h, pp. 326-
> • 327.
> 4) Baha'u'llah, Arabic Hidden Words, #31.
> 5) 'Abdu'l-Baha, Paris Talks, p. I 62.
> 6) 'Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Bah6,
> p. 118.
> 7) Shoghi Effendi, Bahci'{ Marriage and Family Life, #43.
> 8) Shoghi Effendi, Baha'i Marriage and Family Life, #42.
> 9) Shoghi Effendi, Baha'{ Marriage and Family Life, #41.
> 10) 'Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i Marriage and Family Life, #108.
> 11) 'Abdu'l-Baha, Promulgation of Universal Peace, pp. 144-145.
> 12) 'Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'L-Bahd,
> p. I 26-127.
> 13) Linda and John Wallbddge, Baha'i Laws on the Status of Men,
> pp. 25-36; published in World Order: Fall 1984/Winter 1984-
> 1985.
> 14) Margaret Ruhe, Guidelinesfor Parents, p. 13; published in 1986
> by the Baba' f Publishing Trust of India.
> 15) Popov, Popov and Kavelin, The Virtues Guide, p. I; published by
> the Virtues Project Inc.
> 16) 'Abdu'l-Baha, Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 163.
> 17) Baha'u' II.a,The Advent of Divine Justice, p. 38.
> 18) Shoghi Effendi, Baha'i Education, p. 109.
> 19) 'Abdu'l-Baha, Prominent People, p. I.
> 20) 'Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'{ Education, p. 73.
> A Baba 'i Bibliography on Parenting
> 
> Following are nine useful works relevant to surmounting the chal-
> lenges of marriage and parenting and related to the raising of chil-
> dren:
> (1)    Exploring a framework for moral education, by
> Noguchi, Hanson and Lample; published in 1992 by
> Palabra Publications in the USA. (*I)
> (2)    The Family Virtues Guide - a handbookfor parents
> teaching virtues, by Popov, Popov and Kavelin; pub-
> lished in 1997 by Penguin Books. (*2)
> (3)    Guidelines For Parents - The Education and Train-
> ing of Children, by Margaret Ruhe; published in 1986
> by the Baha'i Publishing Trust of India. (*2)
> (4)    Bahci'f Education - a compilation by the Research
> Department of the Universal House of Justice, Haifa,
> Israel; published in 1997 by the UK Baha'i Publish-
> ing Trust. (* 1)
> (5)    Education in the Baha'i Family, by Madeline Hellaby;
> published in 1987 by George Ronald in the UK. (* 1)
> (6)    Thoughts- Educationfor Peace and One World, by
> Irene Taafaki; published in 1986 by George Ronald
> in the UK. (* 1)
> (7)    Distinctive Aspects of Baha'i Education - proceed-
> ings of the third symposium on Baha'f education, ed-
> ited by Nikjoo and Vickers; published in 1991 by the
> Bah6.'f Publishing Trust of the UK. (*2)
> (8)    Baha'f Marriage and Family Life - a compilation
> published in 1983 by the National Spiritual Assem-
> bly of the Baha'fs of Canada. (*2)
> (9)    Creating a Successful Family, by Khavari and
> Khavari; published in 1989 by Biddies Limited in the
> UK.(* I)
> 
> ( I 0)   Marriage: A Fortress For Well-Being,reissued in 1988
> under the authority of the National Spiritual Assem-
> bly in the USA. (*2)
> (11)     When We Grow Up, by Bahfyyih Nakhjavani; pub-
> lished in 1979 by George Ronald in the UK. (*2)
> ( 12)    Becoming Your True Self, by Dan Jordan; published
> in 1993 by UK Baha'i Publishing Trust. (*2)
> (13)     !he Family Repairs and Maintenance Manual, by
> Agnes Ghaznavi; published in 1989 by George Ronald
> in the UK. (*1)
> 
> Note I: Document 2 is inter-Faith in nature, and has found wide
> acceptance by schools and churches in North America, as well as by
> the Baha'i community.
> 
> (*I)     unfortunately out of print
> 
> (*2)     available from Unity Arts; see address below
> 
> Unity Arts
> 26 Concourse Gate,
> Nepean, ON
> Canada    K2E 7T7
> Tel.: (613) 727-6200
> Fax: (613) 727-3704
> Toll Free: 1-800-465-3287
> Website: http://www.bahaibooksonline.com
> 
> NOTES:
> 
> NOTES:
> 
> NOTES:
> 
> FOR MORE INFORMATION:
> 
> Books mentioned are available in most public libraries.
> 
> Local Telephone listings are often in your phone book un-
> der "Bahd'f Faith".
> 
> . 1nCanada Vision TV broadcasts Baha'{ Perspective the first
> Wednesday and Thursday of each month (check local listings).
> 
> Please feel free to contact any one of the following:
> 
> Bahcl'f World Centre Web Site:
> www.bahai.org
> 
> National Spirilual Assembly of 1he Baha '{s of Canada
> 7200 Leslie Street,
> Thornhill, Ontario L3T 6L8
> 
> National Spiritual Assembly of the Bahd'fs of the United States
> 415 Linden Avenue
> Wilmette, Illinois 60091
> 
> Bahd'f Information Line in Canada l-800-433-3284 for recorded
> messages about the Baha'i Faith, its teachings and perspectives on
> social issues, in English and French.
> 
> Baha'f information is also available in many world languages.
> 
> ISBN: 1-896331-62-9
> Printed in Canada
>
> — *Principles for Effective Parenting (Used by permission of the curator)*