# Walking the Tight-rope of Parenthood

*Exported from [Holy-Writings.com](https://www.holy-writings.com/) on 2026-06-18 — 1 clipping.*

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> Source: Bahá'í Library Online (bahai-library.com), curated by Jonah Winters. Used by permission of the curator. Original citation: John A. Davidson, Walking the Tight-rope of Parenthood, bahai-library.com.
> ──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
> 
> Walking the Tight-rope of Parenthood
> 
> John A. Davidson
> Christine Wood
> published in The Family: Our Hopes and Challenges
> 
> Rosebery: Association for Bahá'í Studies Australia, 1995
> 
> If parenting is a tightrope, as some creative title-writing by my
> co-presenter suggests, the parenting program may be regarded as a practice area with a low
> rope and a safety net where learning with lesser risk may take place. I have been involved
> for some years in the construction of Bahá'í parenting programs and also working
> with Christine in research and evaluation on Parent Effectiveness Training. The most
> important outcome of the work on parenting by the Bahá'í Marriage and Family
> Development Committee is a booklet A Bahá'í Parenting Program which has now
> been used quite widely in the Australian Bahá'í community and overseas. I will
> refer later to this program in more detail.
> 
> Let me start by pointing out that there are a number of levels to
> parenting programs. A program has a theoretical, or philosophical, or spiritual base; it
> also has values and spiritual principles, which guide the practices that are involved in
> the program, and at the interface between parent and child, there are the skills which the
> parent has to bring to the situation to translate the philosophy and the values into the
> practice of parenting. Some of the differences in parenting programs reflect differences
> in the source or philosophy which they come from.
> 
> When the Marriage and Family Development Committee was constructing a
> program, we were using the Bahá'í writings as our philosophical and theoretical
> base. This has certain advantages for a parenting program for the Bahá'í community.
> One major advantage is that Bahá'ís are committed to and value these writings, and
> by using them one can attract a motivation which otherwise may be lacking if the
> philosophical base of the program is less respected or less congenial. The philosophy of
> the program can be a basis both for changing of values, and for changing of practice. This
> is a particular advantage of a spiritually based program in a religious community, but I
> believe that every program has some theoretical or philosophical base which one ought to
> think about.
> 
> My personal belief is that sometimes the philosophical base is less
> important than the values and the practice of the program. When it actually comes down to
> parenting, I think that what the child first becomes aware of is the practice, and the
> feelings behind it, and sometimes if things are done with the right spirit, then they can
> overcome a philosophy which may not be perfect. I say this because when I was an
> undergraduate psychology student, the reigning philosophy was Behaviourism, which seemed
> to me profoundly philosophically inadequate. Yet often when it was put into practice
> through programs based on principles of behaviour modification, the people who did it, did
> it with a great deal of love and concern, and it came out quite well. In fact, the
> principles involved such as reinforcement of desired behaviour, and "time out"
> to remove reward for unwelcome behaviour, actually require considerable patience,
> thoughtfulness and commitment on the part of parents.
> 
> This brings us to the values which are involved in a parenting program.
> I'd like to mention a comment from an article written by Ann Stark in Cooperative
> Peace Strategies, where she discusses values involved in conflict resolution. She
> made, to me, a very interesting point, in that, if we have just the skills without the
> values, what we have is simply a technology of control, or a new way of manipulating
> people. It is the values which produce the more profound effect, and guide the development
> of the relationship. If we teach only skills, and the people who are learning the skills
> don't internalise some of the values, we're teaching them to be more effective
> in some ways in what they're doing, but the relationship is circumscribed by the lack
> of a better understanding. This may be true even though we don't consciously
> recognize or think about the values of our parents, or our own values as parents.
> 
> I was at a conference which Marjorie Tidman had organised on global
> education, a few years ago, and one of the exercises was to think who had been the most
> effective teacher in motivating us. I thought back about my early teachers and then
> suddenly I realised something that I hadn't realised before, and that was that when I
> chose to do mathematics, it was really my father who had most influenced me. Through his
> love for mathematical games and mathematical exercises of all kinds, a constant interest
> in puzzles, a real spirit of inquiry, (and a considerable disrespect for teachers), he
> instilled into me a love of mathematics and problem solving. I realised that this was a
> value which he had transmitted to his family more effectively than any formal education.
> Perhaps this is typical of the transmission of many values.
> 
> Finally we come to skills, and skills are of critical importance,
> because even if we have our values, if we don't have the skills, then we can't
> translate the values into practice. If programs are based on values or principles it is
> essential to have a wide range of exercises which address the issue of translating the
> principles into practice, particularly when the needs of the child must be understood and
> responded to, or when there is a concern by the parent or some conflict which needs to be
> resolved.
> 
> The major issues addressed in A Bahá'í Parenting Programme
> are:
> 
> Attracting your child to spiritual ideals, which involves
> attracting them to learn and recite short prayers or passages of the Sacred Writings,
> training them in love and kindness, giving them confidence, and teaching them to respect
> the Law of God and the rights of others;
> 
> Expressing love in tangible ways, which is based on stories and
> examples from the life of ‘Abdu'l-Bahá;
> 
> Communication and family relationships, which includes mutual
> respect between parents and children, courtesy, taking an interest in what children are
> doing, taking time to listen, and discussing Bahá'í teachings and values with them;
> 
> Family consultation, which includes the principles of
> consultation applied at a family level;
> 
> Discipline, which discusses encouraging what is good and guiding
> or correcting without using physical or verbal abuse;
> 
> Building a sense of Bahá'í identity in the home, which
> includes celebrating Feasts and Holy Days, hospitality, and inviting people who wish to
> learn of the Bahá'í teachings;
> 
> Protecting the light of the spirit, which covers the avoidance
> of talking about people behind their backs, avoiding nagging or harsh criticism,
> overcoming resentment and jealousy, helping children to fight their spiritual battles and
> teaching them to be truthful;
> 
> Prayer meditation and deepening in the home, which raises the
> question of how to prevent the spiritual aspects of life being submerged beneath the
> demands of everyday concerns;
> 
> Literature in the home, which looks at the importance of
> encouraging children to select and value literature;
> 
> Equality of the sexes, which looks at family roles, equal
> education, choice of occupations and participation in the world at large.
> 
> The program presents a variety of issues, values and principles which
> are important from a Bahá'í point of view in parenting and the education of
> children. You can see that it is not highly theoretical in the way it's constructed,
> but it focuses on what are perceived to be crucial needs in the area of parenting. It is a
> values-based program, based around values such as equality of the sexes, just to take one
> example, and its effectiveness depends on a willingness of parents to think about and
> systematically apply the values in the multifarious aspects of the life of an individual
> family. The greatest risk in such a program is that it is used only for
> "consciousness raising" and does not, in a significant way, impact upon actual
> practice.
> 
> Other parenting programs such as PET (Parent Effectiveness Training) or
> STEP (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting) are based on somewhat different
> philosophies, and begin by identifying and systematically teaching a body of skills. This
> is the point at which I pass the baton to Christine to talk about her experiences as a
> parent and a Trainer in Parent Effectiveness Training...
> 
> I have been working for thirteen years with the program which is called
> PET, Parent Effectiveness Training, and in Europe "Gordon Training", after its
> founder and author Thomas Gordon, who is an American clinical psychologist. The program is
> skills based; the chief skills taught are listening skills, appropriate assertiveness,
> problem solving and conflict resolution. I think that these can only enhance family
> relationships. They fit in with all the aspirations of mankind today for peace. Without
> them I think that peace will be very difficult to achieve. A transcendent basis, a form of
> spiritual values, whatever one has, will give special life to the program. In family life,
> I think that the values communicated by the parents are the values which the children will
> take up, but they are much more easily taken up in a context of communication skills. PET
> is a program which enables people to learn and practise skills. It is a very practical
> program. Without it, in today's context, it is very hard to pass on values. We have
> looked at the kind of life we have today through the eyes of many of our speakers and in
> our workshops. We know that we are living in a society which as a whole does not value
> things of the spirit. It is a material society, and as parents we have to compete for
> example, with television, which has invaded our homes. Whether we like it or not, whether
> we turn it off or not, it is there, and very often its values are not our values. We have
> to compete with electronic games, we have to compete with the media. We need to be
> strongly based, and to have at our fingertips the best of communication skills.
> 
> Listening skills are disarming. If we can listen to our opponents, and
> show them we understand, we have taken a very large step towards negotiation and
> agreement. If we are sure of our values and can be assertive, without being aggressive, we
> have taken another large step. And then if we can step forward and negotiate, we are very
> much on the way to peace. Without those skills it is really difficult. In a parenting
> context, with PET we are using these skills with our own children. And the things that I
> have learnt, having painfully acquired the skills, have changed the way I think. I was a
> very traditional parent, raised in a family which was kindly and listening, but where
> traditional ways of parenting were the norm. With my first three children, I literally
> believed that I had to mould them and impose my values, because I saw that as my duty. I
> learned otherwise halfway through my family, so I have a control group of three. For the
> first three I didn't have PET, whereas I did for the second three, and it was much,
> much easier. Even allowing for my own growth and subsequent maturing, PET was a major help
> and I can recommend it.
> 
> More than that, among the things that I have learned is that enthusiasm
> for your values is more than persuasive. As John said he learnt a love of mathematics from
> his father, although it was never formally taught. I learned a love of books from my
> father, and I think I'm now addicted to books but I'm glad! Besides having
> enthusiasm, I think respect for the children is essential. When I grew up,
> not necessarily in my family, but in society as a whole, respect was one way: you
> respected people because of their position. You respected people above. People above
> didn't necessarily respect you. That was not the way it worked. What I have learned
> now is that mutual respect leads to mutual problem solving, and as the
> Bahá'í philosophy shows, so does, for example, respect between husbands and wives,
> between parents and children. Today's child does not respect unless respected, and
> that is a fact of life.
> 
> I think that, on another level, we could look at the child as we would
> regard a beautiful rose plant needing the right environment. Everything is there within
> the child for its best development. We need to give the best conditions we can. Sometimes
> a little judicious pruning is a help, but always with respect for what the plant is.
> Always valuing. A child who grows up in a home knowing love and being loved, has been
> given what is really essential for best development. As a psychologist, (and I guess it is
> the same for many here who are psychologists or are counsellors), I have worked with a
> large number of people whose parents gave them many material advantages, gave them
> education, gave them the things they needed, but didn't appear to give them love. And
> there are people, in their fifties, their sixties, their seventies, still agonising over
> whether their parents really loved them. In those days a parent would have said "Why
> would I do all this If I didn't love you? But the difference in saying "I do
> love you" or "I love you" rather than expecting that this knowledge will be
> picked up on the way, is very great. It is really important in my view, to say
> "I love you", and I learnt that through my PET.
> 
> APPRECIATE! It is important, wherever possible, to show appreciation
> for what a child has done, rather than disapproval for what has not been done. It is
> really wilting for a child to grow up in an atmosphere of disapproval. Encouragement is a
> thousand times better than disapproval, yet in my experience, most parents find they
> usually work the other way around, as I used to do. But with PET, for example, I
> discovered, when my children were starting to wash up, it was much better to WAIT to be
> able to say "I was delighted this morning when I came into the kitchen and everything
> was so spic and span" rather than leap in at once with "My word, you've got
> a lot to learn about how to clear up and leave everything nice". With my first three
> (as I say I've a control group) I used to say aggressively "Clean up the
> bathroom when you've had your shower!" "Put your dirty clothes in the
> hamper!" "Put your towels out in the laundry!" and I had to say it every
> day, again and again. With PET I learnt to say "I was really pleased you left the
> bathroom so beautiful for the next person". Of course it had to be honest. I had to
> explain and be patient. I had to wait till I could truthfully say it, and with some
> things I had to wait for a long time! But this is an interesting fact. I have five
> children away from home and sometimes the older ones come for a visit. Guess how they
> leave the bathroom! Towels on the floor! I'm sure they don't do it in their own
> houses. But the younger three whom I encouraged rather than blasted, leave it tidy.
> There's an experimental result for you!
> 
> Perhaps I should explain just how I learnt to handle this sort of
> thing. First, I had to be clear about what I really wanted. It's a bit like a
> hierarchy of statements. "Will you please hang up your towels, and put the dirty
> clothes in the basket" is the beginning. "I would like you to put the dirty
> clothes in the basket" is next. Then we go to a Statement Without Blame - in PET it
> is called an "I-message", because it is framed in the first person by the
> speaker. Listen carefully, because it aims to get behaviour change without escalating into
> a conflict. Part 1 is a description of the behaviour without blame, "When you
> leave your clothes on the floor in the bathroom..." Part 2 is an honest description
> of the speaker's feelings " I feel really angry and frustrated..." and Part
> 3 is about the cost, in terms of time or money "because I have to pick them up and it
> makes me late for work!" The alternative is frequently a "You- message" -
> "You are completely selfish" "You make me so angry!" "You are the
> absolute end!" Sounds familiar? People in courses sometimes say "But I'd
> never be able to spend the time learning all that stuff, I like to get a quick
> result". It's not a quick result if you have to keep on and on saying it, and
> what is more, if you do keep on, you turn into a Nagger. "I-messages" are often
> surprisingly successful, but there is sometimes a snag, especially if you have become a
> nagger. "Aw, Mum, you're just so fussy!" Here is another trick. Change your
> tack for this one. Go straight back to listening skills. "You think I'm always
> on at you?" "You are!" Back to original statement "Well, I have to ask
> you because it makes me really late in the morning, picking up your stuff, and I feel
> really desperate sometimes". "Sorry, Mum, I didn't realise, I'll try
> and do it". "That's my girl!". You might have to persevere for a
> while, but many parents have told me in awestruck tones "It really works!" And
> they add that because it works, it is time well spent, and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING compared
> with the old-style never-ending fights. It should also be said that lots of parents have
> pointed out that actually practising the skills as the course proceeds is the secret of
> success.
> 
> Another thing I would like to say is "Seize the moment!" when
> the child evinces enthusiasm. With my first two, for instance, when they asked if they
> could make pancakes with me, and I had them running around, and maybe I was expecting the
> third, I'd say "Not now, we'll have a session on Saturday", and they
> completely lost their enthusiasm until much later when they were at senior school and
> learned cookery. Whereas with my third child I'd say "OK" and I'd say
> to myself "Oh well, there'll be a mess but it won't matter" and
> we'd do it together. She's a chef now.
> 
> PET is skills based and grounded in the essential values of respect,
> empathy, genuineness and acceptance of the other. From PET I learnt that families matter,
> children matter and parents matter. PET is also a vehicle for the parents' personal
> values, and when they are working well with it, their own spiritual philosophy shines
> through. It is a truly effective way of communication. A family therapist well known in
> the United States has said that PET offers the means for "communication at its
> best". I think that has been proved true in my life, and I have had many letters and
> feedback forms from participants in the course who have said the same. Part of my work,
> both theoretical and practical, has been to evaluate PET, and I have plenty of concrete
> evidence of its worth.
> 
> In response to a question, I agree that it would be a major omission to
> leave out the effect of peer pressure on our young people. It is an outside influence and
> it has a vast effect. I remember how my eldest child at fourteen was adamant that she
> would not be seen dead wearing white socks. I thought it was quite ridiculous, and we had
> quite a few pairs of white socks. But it was more important to her at that time than
> almost anything else. If I had been skilled and really listened to her, I would have been
> able to say "You feel really upset having to wear white socks" instead of
> "Don't be so silly, they're only socks." I would have learned
> to my utter astonishment that for her peer group white socks had a sexual connotation, and
> if I had been able to problem-solve she would have been equally surprised to find that I
> was open to solutions other than insisting she wear them. It would have been possible for
> both of us to be happy about the outcome if we had worked through the steps of no-lose
> conflict resolution.
> 
> We have also to remember that our children today have a lot more
> information and education in many areas than we could possibly have had. To be credible,
> we need to be able to appreciate their knowledge. That is also a good basis for our
> respect for them. As to passing on our values, we have been given as they have, the
> possibility to know and love God as our Creator. We need to foster our appreciation that
> they too have that possibility, and "seize the moment" to pass on our
> understanding with enthusiasm whenever it arises. Any means that we can take to help us
> arrive at our transcendent destiny will benefit us all and benefit the peace of the world.
> 
> References
> 
> Gordon, T. (1975). P.E.T. : Parent Effectiveness Training, the
> tested new way to raise responsible children. New York: Plume Books.
> 
> Gordon, T. (1992). Teaching children self-discipline at home and
> at school. Sydney: Random House.
> 
> Marriage and Family Development Committee. (1990). A Bahá'í
> Parenting Programme. Sydney: Bahá'í Publications Australia.
> 
> Stark, A. (1992). Conflict Resolution. In J. Davidson & M. Tidman
> (Eds.), Cooperative peace strategies (pp. 81-89). Sydney: Bahá'í
> Publications Australia.
> 
> Wood, C.D. (1992). Parenting programs. In J. Davidson & M. Tidman (Eds.), Cooperative
> peace strategies (pp. 67-80). Sydney: Bahá'í Publications Australia.
> 
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> — *Walking the Tight-rope of Parenthood (Used by permission of the curator)*