# Problem Solving in the Family

*Exported from [Holy-Writings.com](https://www.holy-writings.com/) on 2026-06-19 — 1 clipping.*

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> Source: Bahá'í Library Online (bahai-library.com), curated by Jonah Winters. Used by permission of the curator. Original citation: Erik Blumenthal, Problem Solving in the Family, bahai-library.com.
> ──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
> 
> Problem Solving in the Family
> 
> Erik Blumenthal
> published in The Family: Our Hopes and Challenges
> 
> Roseberry: Association for Bahá'í Studies Australia, 1995
> 
> How can we solve our problems or conflicts? This is, from a theoretical
> point of view, not too difficult because there are only 5 factors we should know.
> But to know these 5 factors and to put them into practice is something different.
> It is a matter of mental training and always trying, after we have made some decision, to
> find out whether we acted in the right way or not. Could we have acted in a better way?
> 
> Attitude
> 
> The first of the 5 factors is our attitude. What should our
> attitude be when there is a conflict? We first have to accept the situation. Accepting the
> situation means not becoming angry because of what is happening now. Not becoming sad or
> despairing or disappointed. How can I accept it? I look at this situation, as a welcome
> problem. Welcome, because it allows me to help people. It also allows me to grow, to
> develop myself, to handle this conflict a little bit better than yesterday." To
> accept a problem as a welcome situation will help us a lot.
> 
> And then, we should never develop a secret anger inside, because it
> will get in our way when we want to solve problems. We are the ones who initiate, who
> decide to be angry. Naturally we are allowed to be angry, but at the same time we should
> be conscious that modern emotionalism disturb our living together with other people. I
> therefore call emotions negative feelings, and feelings (like love) we can call positive
> emotions. These promote and support harmony and peace in living together with others.
> 
> Something else to observe is that we should never talk during a
> situation of conflict. It cannot help at all, because when we are emotional we do not
> listen to other people. In our emotions we want to be right. What we can do is ask
> ourselves: "Is it our prestige that is involved in this situation, so that we are too
> interested in ourselves again?".
> 
> And we should diminish our feeling of helplessness, the feeling that I
> cannot do anything about it, the feeling that I am now forced to be in this situation.
> This gives us all the most quick anger. Look at mothers, how often they feel helpless, and
> get angry with the child. Then very often a mother asks her child: "Why did you do
> this?" and the child answers truthfully "I don't know". This answer
> makes mother still more angry. So we should avoid such a silly question.
> 
> Mutual Respect
> 
> The second factor is mutual respect. It does not matter who our
> partner is in a given conflict, be it a very young child or a grandfather or whoever - the
> only important thing is the knowledge that we should be equals. Equality between the
> sexes, between the generations, between everybody is absolutely essential. And what should
> we do then? We try to understand the other person, because the other person, no matter who
> it is, is also suffering. We should never think we are the only person who is suffering or
> that we are carrying all the suffering of the world. So never try, especially in a
> conflict, wanting to be right. This will always be the beginning of a fight, of a
> struggle, because we all have this feeling that we should be right. If we are not right we
> are inferior. Forget this wanting to be right; it will never help.
> 
> And never look for who is guilty or find fault with the other person.
> Every idea of who is guilty means looking back to the past. It is of no interest. We are
> now living in the present. Even a second ago is already the past; it has happened. We
> cannot change the past. The past has only two tasks for us: 1) to learn from the past, and
> 2) when we have learned, then to forget the past. In this moment we can change our ideas,
> our imagination. We can look with different eyes at what is happening now. So forget who
> is guilty. We should never, as we know from `Abdu'l-Bahá, look at the negative
> side of the other person.
> 
> In a conflict we should never find fault with others by telling them
> what they should do or not, because it is damaging the relationship. We should only ask
> ourselves: "What can I do? What can I change in myself, in my own
> behaviour?"
> 
> Another very helpful attitude is to separate the doer from his deed.
> For example, if my son has even damaged half of my house, I should still love him, being
> my son, whatever he does or says. What he has done I cannot like but I can still love the
> person. Separating the person from his behaviour will be very helpful in avoiding anger
> and becoming more objective and not a slave of our emotions.
> 
> An additional method is "neither fight nor give in" but
> "understand and help". To fight I am hurting the dignity of another person, but
> to give in I hurt my own dignity. This is the real and realistic attitude. These are no
> recipes I am giving to you. These are just recommendations. You can be sure that they
> help.
> 
> Understanding the Motives
> 
> The third factor is not easy, but we should understand the motives
> that led to this problem, this conflict. We should look for the motivation, and that means
> for the goals, for the purpose, for the meaning we have for every kind of our behaviour.
> There is something very interesting in looking forward to the motives and goals. By
> looking back we cannot change the reasons or the past, but we can change our goals, even
> if these goals are unconscious, because they are ahead of us, and this we can change.
> 
> There is a wonderful method in living together and especially in
> finding solutions for our troubles, conflicts and problems. And it is very interesting
> that there are only four immediate goals of the wrong behaviour of little children. The
> first goal every small child has, is that it wants attention. To want love is allright for
> everybody, but when a child goes to school then it should no longer ask for undue and
> exaggerated attention. When we understand that a child is following this goal, then we
> know what to do: First, we should ignore the bad behaviour of the child in a given
> situation, if possible. Second, we give the child more attention, not when the child asks
> for it by incorrect behaviour, but only in moments when we are together in love and
> harmony. Then we know this child needs more of my attention in a positive way.
> 
> The 2nd goal: If a child is not successful in getting enough attention
> with his good or bad behaviour, then it follows the goal of wanting to feel superior or at
> least not inferior. It wants to feel that it is stronger than its mother or whoever is
> educating the child. For example, a noisy child is told: "Don't be so
> loud!" For a moment the child is quiet. But then it goes on with the noise, because
> when I ask the child "Don't be so loud!" I am giving attention for only a
> short moment, but the child wants to get more attention than this. It even may increase
> the noise, which means that it wants to fight with me. It is no longer satisfied with
> getting attention, but it wants to at least feel superior to, or stronger than the other
> person. Again, we should not talk at this moment. Small children we can distract easily.
> But when they are older and we are not going to fight, so we leave the room very friendly
> - not annoyed. Because when we leave the room and slam the door, then we are again giving
> the child a feeling of some kind of triumph, which, of course, does not help.
> 
> The third goal: If they have no success at feeling superior, children
> really know how to hurt their educators. They know us better than vice versa, because we
> very often underestimate the intelligence of our children, and so in this moment the child
> is not interested in anything but to hurt, to revenge himself. It believes we do not love
> it. Children who often follow this third goal of revenge, are the most difficult children
> to educate. From these children come the biggest percentage of juvenile delinquents and
> young criminals. I very much hope you will not experience this.
> 
> The fourth goal of children: They retreat. They want to be left alone.
> They are most discouraged at these times. But we can help them better than the children
> who actively want to avenge themselves. There is only one thing which can help: to build
> upon the positive side of such a child. These children are so discouraged that they do not
> believe they have a positive side. But when we really want to we can always find something
> positive and we can build it up. We can never build upon negative things.
> 
> It is not easy to admit to ourselves that we are following these goals,
> because they are all negative, and everybody wants to have a good opinion of himself. When
> we recognise which goal we are following in a given moment, then we shall know what we can
> do. Also we should look at these inadequacies as something wonderful, because they are an
> opportunity to improvement. And when we improve our behaviour or our attitude, then we can
> encourage ourselves.
> 
> Changing the Present Agreement
> 
> The fourth factor in solving our conflicts is that we should change
> the present agreement. When two people fight they are in perfect, but unconscious,
> agreement. Both want to be right, both want to fight. What you can do is change this
> agreement by conscious communication. My partner of course has a problem and I also have a
> problem. But we not only have a self responsibility but also a co-responsibility for other
> people and especially for other members in our family.
> 
> Mutual Cooperation
> 
> The fifth factor is mutual cooperation, which means shared
> responsibility. The biggest enemy of cooperation is fear and anxiety, and everybody has,
> more or less, some sort of it. So I can become aware that I should not feel responsible
> alone for what is happening. The other person can also help. And knowing more about these
> things I can probably do more than I did in the past. At least I ask myself again:
> "What can I do?"
> 
> We decide unconsciously to see things negatively or positively. I can
> always make out of negative things something more positive. This is a very important
> training. We need to believe in perfection, but we can also be clear that we have the
> right to make mistakes and to have the courage to be imperfect. We do need the faith in
> perfection and the courage to be imperfect.
> 
> It is most essential that we learn to talk with each other and
> not only to each other. This we can also learn from the Bahá'í religion.
> When we have learnt to talk with each other, we can then learn to consult
> together.
> 
> When we decide to really talk with each other, we have to consider four
> most helpful factors: The first is: We should never demand anything from our partner, but
> approach him in a humble way, asking "Look, I have a problem and I cannot get rid of
> this problem alone. I don't know what to do. I need your advice. When do you have
> time?". That is the first step.
> 
> The next is: That we cannot solve a problem or a conflict just in a
> short way while we are moving or doing something else. We must find a place and time where
> we can talk without being disturbed by children, the telephone, visitors or whatever. Find
> a quiet place or go for a walk together. So it is not only the time but also the place we
> should be clear on.
> 
> The third factor is that I should never approach my partner with his
> problem. I can approach him only with my problem. Because if I approach him with
> his problem, he will feel attacked by me and so he will not be willing to talk, but only
> to defend himself. When I say: "I get angry when you say or do that...", it is
> finished! No further talk is possible because that was an attack. That means "you are
> guilty". We should be very honest and say: "Look, here I am with all my faults
> and I need your help" and so on. So the third factor is: Approach your partner only
> with your own problem.
> 
> The fourth and last factor for genuine talk with each other is this: In
> advance we agree that if we are talking together and one of the partners gets angry, the
> one who is less angry tells his partner: "I think we should postpone our
> consultation." Postpone it, because there are emotions involved and a real talk with
> each other is, in such a moment, impossible.
> 
> For real consultation our motives should be pure. That means we should
> forget our ego as much as possible.
> 
> To conclude, When we succeed in solving our conflicts in such a
> positive way, then this is a really important factor for self-encouragement. For example:
> We should be aware that everybody is potentially perfect, because we are the creatures of
> God. In the words of Bahá'u'lláh: "Regard man as a mine rich in gems of
> inestimable value", and this is encouraging.
> 
> To always have a positive outlook is also encouraging, but it needs
> quite some training and cannot be done all at once.
> 
> To diminish our fear seems to be very important. A good method of doing
> something, when we doubt whether we can succeed, is to ask ourselves: "What is the
> worst thing which can happen to me?" Usually the worst does not happen, but to know
> what to do if it does, makes me feel confident, especially when I am convinced that I
> shall give my best.
> 
> We can learn to become more conscious of our prejudices. We can
> understand the past and then forget it. We know that the Bahá'í religion is an
> encouraging religion and there is no need to change it into a discouraging religion. It is
> up to us to decide.
> 
> Finally, when we solve our conflicts, we not only encourage others but also ourselves.
> There is no bigger self-encouragement than to encourage others, to help them and
> contribute to them.
> 
> METADATA
> 
> Views8776 views since posted 2011-09-27; last edit 2022-03-19 22:13 UTC;
> 
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> — *Problem Solving in the Family (Used by permission of the curator)*