# Marriage and Sexuality

*Exported from [Holy-Writings.com](https://www.holy-writings.com/) on 2026-06-18 — 1 clipping.*

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> The issue of marriage is something that would take a long time to discuss, and
> what I am going to do tonight is to share with you some general thoughts about
> marriage and about sexuality, and then we will have a discussion, and hopefully
> it will be fruitful.  The first process that takes place that eventually ends
> in marriage is a process that God has put in all of creation. The whole
> creation has been created in the forms of two entities that become attracted to
> each other.  In the world of humanity, of course, it is man and woman. And men
> and women are created in this way that they will naturally become attracted to
> each other.  It is a natural process.  And through this attraction and through
> this coming together, a higher level of unity and collectivity takes place.  So
> the first thing that happens, as far as marriage is concerned, is that a man
> and a lady meet each other, and they become attracted to each other, and they
> say they have fallen in love with each other.  They like things about each
> other: the way the other person looks, the way the other person talks and all
> the kinds of things that happen at the beginning of a relationship.  But the
> essence and core of it is that they are attracted to each other.  As a matter
> of fact, many people think that love means a very strong attraction.  
> 
> Another condition takes place at that time: mainly, that people not only get
> attracted to each other, but they discover that they satisfy some of their
> needs through this relationship.  So it becomes a mutual attraction and a
> mutual gratification. For example, we all have certain needs.  We may be
> lonely; when another person comes into our lives it gratifies some of these
> feelings of loneliness that we have.  We may be afraid, but being with somebody
> else decreases the fear.  We want somebody to tell us that we are marvellous
> and magnificent and great, and somebody appears and tells us all of those
> things.  So, what happens is that we have all kinds of emotional needs, and
> some of them at least are gratified through the relationship with this other
> individual.  So, when two people come together as a result of their attraction
> to each other (in other words, they find each other beautiful and handsome),
> and they are also able to gratify some of their needs, people then say that
> they are in love.  And in the beginning that love is blind to everything else.
> All they see is that the other person is beautiful and the other person
> gratifies those needs.  
> 
> At this stage the counsels of other people about what they should do and not
> do, usually don't have all that much effect.  That is the reason why it is
> called romantic love, blind love.  And it is romantic because most of the
> issues that these two individuals feel about each other basically are
> make-believe in the sense that they see in the beloved what they want to see.
> They see in the other person all the things that they wish and hope and aspire
> to be there.  There's nothing wrong with that, but eventually it can become a
> problem when the two people realize have fallen in love from a position of
> ignorance of each other. They have searched and finally have come upon this
> individual whom they are attracted to, who gratifies their needs, and who
> reciprocates their feelings.  It becomes a very, very strong bond.  And because
> they do not know each other, therefore what they think about each other are
> usually their own thoughts and their own hopes.  
> 
> The two people usually begin at this stage to think about getting married.  And
> not infrequently, they do get married.  Gradually, something begins to happen.
> They begin discover that this magnificent person, with all the magnificent
> qualities that he or she has, also has some habits and quirks that they don't
> like.  And they become really surprised that the other person is not perfect.
> This imperfection begins to show itself in all kinds of ways: the way they wash
> their hands, or chew their food, or brush their teeth, or whatever they do is
> just somehow wanting, and they begin to discover that the other person is not
> exactly how they imagined.  Because, after all, they didn't know each other.
> They imagined that the other person was like this or like that.  We all have an
> image of what an ideal husband or an ideal wife would be.  And when we see
> someone, become attracted to them and receive gratification of our needs, then
> we decide that that person is exactly all of those things that we have wanted.
> Later on we are surprised that the other person is not what we thought.  
> 
> Something else also happens in this process:  Not only does the attraction
> between the two begin to wane as they get used to each other, and they find
> they are not all that excited about one another any longer, but their needs
> also begin to change.  For example, at the beginning of relationships in many
> cultures, the circumstances are such that women are in need of somebody to
> protect them, and men are in need of somebody to adore them.  So they start a
> business wherein the man says:  "I'll take care of you.  You are a doll, so
> I'll put you up there, I'll dust you and so forth, so long as you adore me and
> do everything I want you to do for me."  The woman has to be the slave and
> adore the magnificent husband, while the husband is the powerful one who goes
> out into the dangerous world and provides protection.  That is the old style of
> marriages, though it still exists very much in this world.  The newer approach
> is for the wife to say, "Now I want you to serve me and adore me", while the
> husband still says, "No, I want you to serve me and adore me."  They begin
> arguing back and forth, "you're not adoring me enough", or "you're not serving
> me enough", and a power struggle begins to take place.  All of those fantastic
> hopes and aspirations and dreams that were at the beginning of the relationship
> and marriage, one by one begin to change or shatter.  The people involved begin
> to ask questions: What am I doing in this relationship? What is in it for me?
> What does she want? What does he want? Why is he this way? Why is she this way?
> But more importantly, another process takes place. And this next process is
> that the wife and the husband begin to be absorbed more and more with their own
> respective areas of involvement than with each other.  
> 
> At the beginning of the marriage, the husband and the wife thought of each
> other most of the time, even when  they were at work or at home or wherever.
> But when that period comes to an end, they begin to think more and more of
> themselves.  They begin to think of their jobs; if they have children, they
> become preoccupied with the children--one parent more than the other, usually
> the mother more than the father.  They  become preoccupied with the home and
> the decoration of the home, or putting money aside and developing the business,
> etc.  In short, they become much more preoccupied with their own selves.  And
> in a way, they begin to feel more and more removed from each other.  A sense of
> remorse begins to set it.  A sense of loss begins to enter in.  People begin to
> resent what is happening.  They begin to wonder whether they have made the
> right decision or the wrong decision.  They begin to wonder whether this is the
> way they want to be, and they begin to think of the nice romantic face, and
> they wish that they could have that back.  Wouldn't it be nice if we had the
> romantic face back again?  If the beginning has been bad, they won't wish it,
> but if the beginning has been alright, they want to go back.  
> 
> It is during this phase, which is the second of the three stages marriage goes
> through, where there is usually the greatest danger of break-up, of
> involvements outside of the marriage, of enormous arguments and fights and
> disagreements, and of all kinds of struggles.  I would say that about 80% of
> the marriages that go sour do so during this second  phase of marriage.  And
> when they allow it to happen, they end up starting a new relationship where
> they begin again at the romantic phase in which everything is again dandy and
> blind, and soon thereafter the process of the second phase begins, and they are
> facing in the same issues.  
> 
> The truth is that there is no way that you can get out of this dynamic and this
> evolution of marriage.  Why is that?  Because marriage is not a contract,
> contrary to what people think.  Marriage is not a contract.  Marriage, as
> 'Abdu'l-Bahá defines it, is a union.  Now, a union is a phenomenon that
> brings two living entities together, and creates a third entity that has a life
> of its own.  Let me give an example:  In the womb, before a sperm and an ovum
> come together, each has a life span of its own--in each case a total of only a
> few hours.  But when they come together and create a fertilized egg--in other
> words, they have a union--then the life of a human individual begins.  All of
> us are the result of that union.  And, as you see, this union results in
> something new that is far greater and very different from either the sperm or
> the ovum.  It is an entity in its own right; it has a life of its own; it is a
> reality of its own.  
> 
> In this manner, when a marriage takes place, we, as 'Abdu'l-Bahá says,
> come together and create a condition of union.  Which means we create a new
> entity, a new organism.  This new organism is marriage.  And this organism,
> this marriage, has to mature and grow up like any other organism.  At one level
> it is like a child.  At another level it is like an adolescent.  At another
> level it is like an adult.  Therefore, of the three entities of the wife, the
> husband, and the marriage, the one that is in most need of protection in the
> beginning is the marriage itself.  In essence, marriage is the first baby of
> the couple, and the second baby is the first child.  The first baby we give
> birth to is the marriage.  And at the beginning, this marriage is very fragile.
> It needs attention and nourishment and care.  It needs to be helped to grow, to
> become strong.  It then must go through the next phase,  which is the phase of
> adolescence in which rebellion and arguments and power struggles often take
> place, like any teenager with the parents.  And finally, it reaches the next
> stage, which is the stage of maturity. At this point a different kind of
> relationship takes place. But because people do not understand this
> phenomenon--the evolution or maturation of relationships--they expect that as
> soon as they get married, the newly-born marriage can take care of all of their
> needs.  But this little baby marriage cannot do it, and it ends up collapsing
> under the stress and the pressure that is put on it.  
> 
> So this is the first issue that we have to understand about marriage: that it
> is not a contract only.  Marriage is a union, and it creates a new life, a new
> living being, a new living organism.  
> 
> Because marriage is a union, it therefore has to have a special quality, a
> special characteristic. This characteristic is something  that is missing in
> most marriages that I encounter, not only in the clinical setting, but in
> general. The majority of people do not have a notion of what the fundamental
> characteristic of a marriage should be, and this is primarily because they
> think of marriage simply as two individuals who love each other.  And by "love
> each other", they mean that they are attracted to each other, that they smell
> good to one another, that there are "good vibes" between them, that they
> satisfy each other's needs, cry on each other's shoulders, laugh together, etc.
> They think that is love.  Consequently, the fundamental characteristic that
> makes a union possible is not present.  And what is that?  That, of course, is
> unity.  Most marriages do not create conditions of unity.  And most marriages
> will not create conditions of unity because people do not understand what unity
> is all about.  'Abdu'l-Bahá says in one of His prayers about marriage,
> for example: "Glory be unto Thee, oh my God! Verily, this Thy servant and this
> Thy maidservant have gathered under the shadow of Thy mercy and are united
> through Thy favour and generosity."  The first matter of marriage is unity.
> But what does unity mean?  Well, unity does not mean that the husband and wife
> agree all of the time.  Unity does not mean that they always think the same
> way.  They may think the same way; they may not.  Unity does not mean that they
> have the same appetites, or the same orientation, or the same sex drive, or the
> same levels of comfort and discomfort.  Those are all the icing on the cake, so
> to speak.  But these are not elements of unity.  
> 
> The first and foremost, or the greatest, aspect of what creates unity is that
> the relationship is just.  There has to be justice in a relationship for there
> to be unity.  Conversely, marriage that is based on unity is a marriage in
> which justice takes place.  What does it mean to have justice in marriage?
> Justice means that the husband and the wife have the same opportunities for
> development, for growth, and for becoming.  To evolve, each must have the same
> opportunities.  If we want to be able to create the condition of unity, we have
> to create conditions in the home in which the woman and the man both feel that
> they are being treated with justice.  We each need somebody to encourage us.
> When there are things we need to change, perhaps things that we do not like
> about ourselves, it makes such a difference for somebody to say, "My beloved,
> you are magnificent because of this and that and that".  It gives us courage to
> act upon our process of transformation. The act of encouragement is an
> expression of justice in which you give courage to another human to
> change him or herself.  To have the courage to change yourself, you need
> encouragement.  When you need encouragement, it requires somebody else to
> encourage you.  It takes courage to transcend oneself and focus on the good
> rather than the bad qualities of another person.  It takes courage not to be
> hypocritical, but to really, honestly mean it.  So we can see that to establish
> unity, you need justice.  And in a just relationship, everybody has to evolve
> and grow.  And in order to evolve and grow, you need encouragement.  If a plant
> is to grow, it needs food.  In marriage, the food for individual growth is
> encouragement.
> 
> Fostering the condition of justice is not all that easy; there is a
> prerequisite.  The prerequisite for unity is justice. Bahá'u'lláh
> says that the purpose of justice is appearance of unity.  But, what is the
> prerequisite for justice?  The prerequisite for justice is the condition of
> equality.  We need to create a marriage of equals, for that marriage to be
> just.  Humanity has never had marriages of equals.  Marriages up to this time
> have been marriages of people who are not equals.  Women, by and large, have
> been viewed as lower or inferior to men.  The history of humanity has been a
> history of the abuse of power by men.  And this abuse of power has taken place
> at all levels, especially at the level of marriage.  Men have to face this
> reality.  It doesn't matter if they are of Persian, South American or North
> American origin, of black culture or white culture, Chinese or Japanese, or any
> other background.  The fact remains that, throughout history, men and women
> have not related with each other from a position of equality.  The fact remains
> that men continue to wield power, to abuse power, to try to control.  And the
> fact remains that because of that, relationships are not equal.  And if the
> relationship is not equal, the relationship is not going to be just.  If the
> relation ship is not just, the relationship is not going to be united.  If the
> relationship is not united, a union has not taken place.  And if a union has
> not taken place, there really isn't have a marriage to speak of.  
> 
> How can the condition of equality be created?  The first step is to become less
> self-centred and more directed toward the needs of the other person.  People
> generally are self-centred.  We live in a society that tells us: look after
> "number one", yourself.  We live in a society that encourages individualism,
> that encourages self-centredness, selfishness, indulgence.  We raise our
> children to be indulgent and selfish.  We raise them to think of themselves,
> and themselves only.  When we talk about love in a relationship, we are talking
> about conditions that begin with being less self-centred.  This translates into
> the habit of equality, which translates into the practice of justice, which
> translates into the creation of unity, which allows two individuals to create a
> peaceful  marriage.  This is a process.  
> 
> Prior to this time in history this process has not been possible.  Marriages of
> the past have varied but, by and large, have been characteristic of the
> adolescent and childhood stages of the development of humanity.  Now is the
> time for the maturing of humanity.  We are in the last stages of adolescence
> and, in the Dispensation of Bahá'u'lláh, the whole of humanity is
> going to move to the level of adulthood.  Everything will change, including the
> love stories and love relationships themselves.  For example, consider the
> traditional love story of Shirin and Farhad.  Shirin is a Persian princess.
> She has all kinds of maids and servants.  They keep her cool, they give her
> drinks, they powder her.  All she needs to do is sit in her glorious beauty.
> Farhad is a stonecutter. He is a poor character, tall and lean.  One day Farhad
> beholds the beauty of Shirin and falls in love.  Way down. He falls so in love
> that he cannot think about anything but Shirin, cannot sleep except to dream of
> Shirin.  So finally, all he can do is go to the great king and say, "Oh, great
> king, I have fallen in love with your daughter. I want to marry her. And the
> king, being great, says, "Of course, there is no problem. You want to marry
> Shirin. That's perfectly fine.  All you have to do is move this mountain from
> here to there.  Not very far, but nevertheless you have to move it."  Farhad,
> being young and stupid, embarks upon cutting pieces from the mountain and
> moving it from here to there, and in fact he is still doing it.  In the
> meantime, Shirin has been having the time of her life with all of her servants.
> This is a story of one-directional love.  Shirin only wanted to receive.
> Farhad only wanted to give.  This is a kind of childhood love story.  It is an
> earlier development of the love relationship in which only one gives and only
> one receives.  In the context of a parent and child, this is alright.  However,
> in the context of a husband and wife, this will not last very long. 
> 
> In the adolescent stage, loving takes the form of all or nothing.  You love me,
> and you love me the most, and you don't love anybody else.  And I love you, and
> I love you the most, and nobody else.  Such were Romeo and Juliet. They looked
> at each other and thought, oh yeah, she's magnificent, he's beautiful, and so
> on.  They fell in love and then they had to prove who loved who the most.
> Adolescents have to prove themselves:  I love you the most; I give you more;
> you give more, etc.  Back and forth they go, until, in the process, they become
> so extreme that the poor beggars die in the process!  They kill themselves to
> prove that they love each other. Why?  Because they are in a state of
> competition.  You see, either you are in a state of receiving and giving, or
> you are in a state of competition.  
> 
> The love of equals, on the other hand, is a different kind of love
> relationship.  That story has to be written by the new generation of
> Bahá'ís.  We do not yet have the love story of equals.  The
> literature of the world does not depict the love stories of equal
> relationships. We have to write them. This is the first time in the history of
> humanity that God has said, "Love Me, that I may love thee. If thou lovest Me
> not, My love can in no wise reach thee."  With that, God has said to humanity:
> grow up.  This is the age of  maturity. Put aside these old childhood ways, and
> adolescent ways of  looking at love.  In your relationship with God, you must
> love at the  level of a mature being.  It is an honour that God has bestowed
> upon this generation.  The young people of this generation, as well as the
> not-so-young people of this generation, have to begin to write love stories of
> equal relationships.  How do you write it? By creating it. By living it
> 
> It is in this context that we can understand the sexual problems that exist in
> marriage today.  Sex is one  dimension of the attraction that takes place
> between men and women.  It can be a very powerful force of attraction.
> Probably for some, or many, it is the most powerful source of attraction.  If
> two individuals are attracted to each other, it may be in a number of  ways:
> physical, sexual, ideological, emotional.  The process of spiritual attraction
> is different from each of these.  We'll talk a little bit about it later. Sex,
> of course, is a very essential dimension of the relationship, because it allows
> the continuation of the human race. And very importantly, it allows us, as
> Bahá'u'lláh said, to bring into this world those who would
> remember God, and  would contribute to an ever-advancing civilization.  So you
> see, sex has an outcome.  Any union has to have results.  The outcome of the
> union of sperm and ovum is the child that comes to this world.  The union of
> the marriage is to bring a child to this world.  Not only do you create unity
> between the husband and the wife, and the marriage comes to this world, but
> also through this marriage the family is created.  So far, the attitude towards
> sex in different cultures, in different religions, have been basically
> attitudes commensurate to childhood or adolescence.  People's understanding of
> sexuality is either mixed with a lot of ignorance, a lot of lack of knowledge
> about sex, a lot of make-believe, or a lot of shyness.  People do not know what
> it is all about; they do not talk about it.  For example, in Persian families,
> I would say, by and large, there is a total ignorance about  sexuality.  Nobody
> talks about it. The message young people are given is that this is a forbidden
> area to talk about.  But people think about it.  People feel it.  So they end
> up going through it with closed eyes.  In Christianity, the approach is that
> sex is bad, do not think about it.  This is ridiculous.  If I tell the people
> here in this room, "Please do not think about sex; think about anything else
> you want, but don't think about that, okay?" What do you think you would do?  A
> few minutes ago, you were not thinking about sex, but now...you are! That is
> exactly what happens in many Christian and Persian families, or Moslem
> families, and so forth.  We say to the young people, who are full of hormones
> and an excitement for sexuality: "Don't think about sex!"  We tell them that
> what they have been hearing about is lies, and that they should simply go and
> take cold showers.  Here is the kind of remedy we give to these young people.
> And if that does not work, then we try to frighten them.  We tell them "If you
> have sex, you will get syphilis or, now, AIDS, or all kinds of things."  We try
> to control people through the process of  fear, or through trying to get them
> not to think about it.  And the overall approach to this process is generally
> from a negative perspective.  When none of these tactics work, we bring in the
> wrath of God.  We say, "God has told you not to do that; therefore, you mustn't
> do it."  But that does not work either.  What it does is make people grow up
> frightened about sex, or ignorant about sex, or ashamed of sex, or angry about
> sex, or all of these together. That is what happens.  Sexuality loses its
> contact with sensuality, with beauty, with the gratification that goes with it,
> with any other dimension of human development that should really be fulfilling
> and magnificent. 
> 
> Let me give you an example, a parallel, to see how this process works and what
> kind of problem it creates in our society.  Sex is one of the biological
> appetites.  Hunger is another biological appetite.  Hunger is more important
> than sex, because if you do not get hungry and you do not eat, you die.  If you
> do not get the craving for sex and you do not have sex, you do not die.  So
> hunger is more important than sex.  Food is more important than sex, in that
> sense.  Now, there are many approaches to eating:  Some people eat fast. Some
> eat slow.  Some eat junk food.  Some people eat gourmet food.  Some people eat
> too much, and then they feel sick.  Some eat too little, and feel hungry.  Most
> people do not have the discipline necessary to create a healthy habit of
> eating.  Some people share their food with each other, along with their germs
> and diseases and their colds and everything else they have.  Some people steal
> other people's food.  Just think what we do with food!  They all have parallels
> with sex.  That is the appetite. That is the way we go about it.  Some people
> think that if they don't eat, they would lose total control.  But we know, for
> example, that in a perfect life, there has to be discipline.  There has to be a
> process.  There is a time.  You cannot give a steak to a two-month old baby.
> You just can't.  It kills the infant if you feed it steak.  Early sex damages
> the same way that the wrong food at the wrong time damages. The wrong dimension
> of sexuality at the wrong time damages.  And sex is not only having
> intercourse: it is a gamut of things.  To begin with, some aspects of it are
> perfectly fine and acceptable such as the growth that people show to each other
> through sex; the care that they show each other; the affection that they show
> each other; the friendships that people establish, and so forth.  These are the
> milk and honey of every childhood.  They are perfectly fine.  Having
> intercourse is not only the end result, but that is the way society creates the
> image of sex, as though it is the ultimate.  And that is why the majority of
> people, when they have intercourse, feel disappointed.  Or it is either painful
> or unpleasant, or it is too short or too long, or too this or too that.  The
> majority of people become disappointed because their approach to it is so
> undisciplined, so un-thoughtful, so not discussed, and left in the condition of
> ignorance.  They simply approach it with a total lack of sophistication.  This
> is what we have created.
> 
> Our children are growing up in a society that believes in instant
> gratification.  Everything has to be instant. Coffee is instant, hamburgers are
> instant, sex is instant: everything in society has to be instant.  The joy goes
> out of the process.  The process of sexual relationships in human beings is the
> process of discovery: discovery of beauty in each other.  That is one dimension
> of it.  It is also the process of the discovery of self-control in  oneself.
> Again, this is connected to food:  You know those occasions when you allow
> yourself  to sit around the table and eat slowly and taste everything that you
> eat?  When you have the best gourmet dinner that you can, and cherish each
> minute? To discover the beauty of that, you have to be deliberate about it, you
> have to be thoughtful about it, you have to be in the right mood for it, you
> have to be in the right state of unity for it. A condition of unity has to
> exist among the people with whom you eat.  When it does, that becomes a
> memorable meal.  Sexuality has to be approached in this way.  It is very
> different when you eat that way, compared with when you go and pick up a
> take-out hamburger and eat it.  The whole approach to sexuality has to be, for
> example, related to knowledge of sexuality.  I want to use another analogy of
> food: I was reading in the Washington Post today that the American Government
> has decided to change the standards of a good diet for the American people.
> Bad news.  They had been wrong all this time.  What they had been telling you
> all these years about what a good diet is, is now proven to be a bad diet.  And
> do you know what one dimension is of the bad diet?  That you are eating too
> much of those things that you do not need, and too little of those things you
> do need!  This is the same problem with the attitude toward sexuality in this
> society: we pay more attention to the final act of sexual intercourse rather
> than focussing on those elements that go into the sexual relationship.  
> 
> A sexual relationship is a process of first discovering the beauty in the other
> person.  It has to start with encouragement.  It has to start with the quality
> of not thinking solely about yourself, but thinking about the other person.  It
> has to start with being considerate of the other person.  It has to start in
> the condition of creating an atmosphere of comfort and safety and ease with
> each other, and trust for one another.  You have to unite all of these
> ingredients in order to make the process work. You can not just rush through
> it, because you want to discover beauty.  
> 
> The second thing that you want is discipline, because the process of any human
> activity is only successful if combined with discipline.  Let me elaborate on
> this because it is very important.  Every human activity is successful if done
> from the position of enlightenment and knowledge about what you are doing, with
> positive feelings of love and encouragement, and with self-discipline and
> moderation.  Every human activity requires these three characteristics.  There
> is nothing in this life that we should not approach with knowledge and love and
> discipline.  What is the ultimate act of a human being?  Are we not are created
> in the image of God?  One of God's qualities, or attributes, is that He is the
> Creator.  And He has created us in His own image. Therefore, we are also
> creators.  We constantly create.  We create civilizations.  We create families.
> We create chairs.  We create airplanes.  We create those things we create,
> because we are created in the image of God. Now, the act of love in sexuality
> and marriage has to be creative.  And in order for something to be creative, it
> has to be disciplined.  Those people who paint, for example, or compose music,
> or dance, they understand.  If they are going to be creative, one of the things
> they absolutely need is discipline. And once you create this discipline, you
> are free within its boundaries. And that is the relationship between men and
> women. For instance, Bahá'u'lláh teaches that before marriage the
> discipline, the boundary, for creativity is chastity.  Within the boundary of
> chastity, a man and a woman can relate to each other like they never have done
> before.  This is so because until this time in the history of humanity, men and
> women have not been able known each other. Why? Because as soon as they got
> close to each other, they start thinking about sex.  And they started thinking,
> how can I have him?  Or her?  Or how can I get away from him? Or her?  That
> immediately applied from the start. And as soon as that happens, these two
> people are not going to get to know each other. They are not going to be really
> honest with each other.  They are not going to trust each other.  But when you
> know you are going to have a relationship that is disciplined by the standard
> of chastity, then you can get to know each other; you can be close to each
> other; you can be intimate in your thoughts; you can share your feelings; you
> can share your aspirations; you can share and say what you like and what you do
> not like, what you are afraid of and what you are not afraid of.  And you get
> to know each other.  It is in this process, then, that when you make a choice,
> you do it with open eyes, rather than with closed eyes.  
> 
> The other discipline about sex in the context of the marriage is that you have
> to be totally and completely truthful to your partner, and not being involved
> in extra-marital affairs. What does this mean? Again, it means that you provide
> a framework for the relationship, and within that framework you have freedom.
> If you do not have freedom, the  whole thing collapses.  
> 
> So, there are two frameworks that Bahá'u'lláh gives in order to
> allow us to feel the freedom of creativity within the boundaries that are
> necessary to build healthy relationships.  It is not a matter of punishment, or
> Bahá'u'lláh saying, "no, I don't want you to enjoy yourselves",
> or, "let's give you young people a bit of a rough time".  That is not the
> issue. The issue is that God has to create conditions in which you can become
> most creative.  Of all the things we create, the most important, the most
> magnificent, the most far-reaching, is your life. Every one of us creates our
> lives, and it is achieved through discipline.  One of the disciplines is
> chastity or fidelity before marriage, as well as after marriage.  Another is
> daily prayer.  Another is fasting.  Another is not backbiting.  Another is
> service to humanity. Another the pursuit of knowledge and the arts.  And so
> forth. These become the frameworks within which we create our personalities,
> our ways of life, who we are, what kind of marriages we have, what kind of
> families we have, what kind of societies we live in, what kind of civilizations
> we create. Then we become creators. Thank you very much.
> 
> (applause)
> 
> 
> Questions and Answers
> 
> Question: When or how can we begin thinking of other people at an earlier
> age?
> 
> Answer: Well, let's look at the natural development of humanity. I think God
> has left a few examples for us, when we are ready for them. One is the
> biological example. Another is the psychological example. And another one is
> spiritual. For example, biologically, as we grow and approach puberty, it's
> very clear that we are able to not only look after our own physical needs, but
> we can also assist other people, because youth at that age are at the height of
> their physical powers. Or even of intellectual capacities, and so forth.
> 
> Psychologically, it is that age when we start falling in love. What does
> falling in love mean? It means that you start thinking less of yourself and
> more of somebody else. You see, falling in love is one of the first steps of
> consciously and deliberately putting yourself second and putting another person
> ahead of you.  And, of course, Bahá'u'lláh's injunction for young
> people at the age of puberty to begin to pray to God, and to obey all the
> personal laws, which includes the laws related to others-directedness, service
> to humanity, thinking of other people, and so forth.  All of these indicate
> that we underestimate the capacity of young people to become less and less
> self-centered and more and more universal in their thinking.
> 
> We live in a culture that tends to keep people as children for too long. We
> baby our children, so to speak.  We do not allow them to evolve and mature to
> the degree and level that they can.  Look at the demands that
> Bahá'u'lláh puts on young people when they become 15. The parents
> don't put those demands on their children. Bahá'u'lláh says that
> when a person becomes 15, he/she is responsible before God for his or her
> conduct. They are responsible for what they do.  It determines the nature of
> the eternal growth of that individual.  No longer can that individual blame
> society or the parents or others for what they do.  We as parents don't do
> that.  We still continue to baby them, and so forth. Erickson and others have
> expanded the period of childhood too long.  I think the Bahá'í
> community of the future will allow and help children to grow up and to become
> responsible much faster, and to become universal much faster.  And then, the
> biological, the psychological and the spiritual coincide.  Right now they
> don't.  Now what we get is a number of young people who are 17, 18, 19, 20, 30,
> 50 years old that are biologically very active, are sexually full of all kinds
> of powers, but psychologically haven't grown up.  They haven't been allowed to
> grow up to be responsible, to deal with these energies that are within them,
> and spiritually they have remained totally unaware. So, there is no harmony
> between the biological growth, the psychological growth, and the spiritual
> growth. Our responsibility as parents is to harmonize these things.   By the
> age of 15, children really should be aware of the level of self-discipline,
> maturity, and understanding of these principles that is necessary, as well as
> the fact that God has not given these laws for the purpose of limiting, or
> making life difficult for them, but rather to allow them to become the full,
> complete human beings that they can become. You see? So we have to change our
> ways of raising children and doing this.
> 
> 
> Question: You said that marriages have three stages: childhood, adolescence,
> and adulthood.  Is it necessary to go through all these stages?
> 
> Answer: Usually when I hold workshops on marriage, which are two or five days
> long, I never tell the participants from the start that there is a third stage.
> Any time I tell them that, everybody says, we are there! (laughter from
> audience) That's right.  Everybody.  It doesn't matter what happens, we are
> marvelous, we are in the third stage. So I usually don't mention it until the
> last, until they are convinced and realize where they actually are.  Everybody
> and every living organism has to go through different stages.  The intensity of
> it may be less or more, but we go through the process.  The whole world of
> humanity goes through that process, marriages go through that process,
> institutions, companies, governments, individuals, etc., and we cannot escape
> it.
> 
> 
> Comment:  In a perfect world, both partners sacrifice for each other.  But in
> the imperfect world that many of us live in now, one sacrifices and the other
> one doesn't even know that the other person is sacrificing! (laughter)
> 
> Answer:  At least a few people here are in agreement (laughter).  Yes.  That's
> why Bahá'u'lláh has given us the gift of consultation.  You see,
> there are two ways in which we become aware that something is going wrong.  One
> is the painful way.  One person sacrifices; the other person ignores it, and
> takes it and goes on and on, until the whole thing breaks loose.  The action
> comes, the anger, the war, and the whole thing.  And one looks stupid and says,
> hey, what did I miss?  And the other person says, well, you missed a lot, and
> so forth.  But it is too late. That's one way that happens, unfortunately,
> many, many times.
> 
> But we are trying to create a better world.  We don't have it yet.
> Bahá'u'lláh has given the necessary tools for doing it, but we
> Bahá'ís don't believe it, by and large.  So we don't use those
> tools.  We don't have any aim to use them.  We just say, oh, consultation, that
> belongs to the Assembly (chuckles).  That doesn't have anything to do with
> us.... Until you open a book, and Bahá'u'lláh says in all affairs
> you should consult.  Now then, if you truly believe in that, then you have to
> look at consultation and see why we have to consult.
> 
> Very briefly, the nature of human relationships, historically, has been of two
> kinds: One has been the authoritarian kind.  Mainly, in which one person tries
> to get another's power, and in one way or another gets that power, and then
> controls the other person, and says, if you don't do it, you will be sorry.
> Historically , men, by and large, have done that more than women.  And these
> people relate to other people from a position of control, and a position of
> warning, and a position of making the other person frightened; and they are
> judgmental, and are always checking to see that you are right here or are wrong
> there, and their love is conditional.  I love you if you obey me, and don't
> love you if you don't obey me.  And these people usually are not open to new
> ideas.  And when new ideas come, they put it down, and say, ah, well, this is a
> liberal thought, or this is a French thought, or this is not our culture, or
> they find a way to put it down...  So that's one way...and that has been the
> principal way until very recently, throughout the world. Most people behave
> like that: governments, people, husbands, wives, parents, and so on.
> 
> But about 30, 40, 50 years ago, we began to realize that it is not really all
> that good.  In North America people moved to another extreme.  They said, no,
> we're not going to be determined by this power relationship.  What  we are
> going to do is to indulge each other.  You give me satisfaction, and I'll give
> you satisfaction.  And we are going to have pleasure together.  The sixties was
> the height of that process: make love, not war.  It was the replacement of
> power for pleasure.  That was the situation.  If it is good, do it.  That was
> the motto, and it still continues.
> 
> When a person doesn't acknowledge the sacrifice of another person, he is
> wielding power, because one of the strongest ways that you can control somebody
> is to ignore what they do.  It's very strong: Just ignore it.  Perhaps you go
> on, since you cannot do anything.  And this person acts very mild and smiles at
> you and says, "what's the matter, honey?", and so forth.  Meanwhile, you don't
> know what's going on, that this person doesn't even see what you're trying to
> accomplish.
> 
> In this case, you have to create a new way of relating with each other, a way
> in which people acknowledge each other, and accept each other as equals.  We
> need to create clear conditions of justice.  Do you remember what  I said? That
> if you want to have a marriage, you have to create unity, and in order to have
> unity, you have to have justice; if you want to have justice, you have to have
> equality; if you want to have equality, you have to prefer the other over
> yourself. They are basic necessities. Now, if you study consultation, you will
> see that kind of relationship.  Just read the principles of consultation.  You
> see, one by one, that it describes how people can do that so that they will
> attain unity.
> 
> 
> Question: Could we use the marriages of the Central Figures of the Faith as
> models?
> 
> Answer: I would not think so.  Because if they were meant to be taken as such,
> they would have told us that is the model. The reasons are many.  First of all,
> the life of the Manifestation cannot be likened to the life of any human being.
> The Manifestation is of a totally different state or level of existence.  He
> just comes in the temple of a human being.  But what the Manifestation is and
> who the Manifestation is, is so far above what we are.  There is no comparison,
> you see.
> 
> The only example in the Faith that we have to follow is the example of
> 'Abdu'l-Bahá.  That's what we know.  He is our Exemplar.  But we know
> very little of His marriage.  I think what has to happen is that we have to
> pick up the qualities of the life of 'Abdu'l-Bahá.  And then apply these
> qualities to our families and marriages and situation. There are ample examples
> of how 'Abdu'l-Bahá dealt with men, with women, with children, in
> different settings, in different conditions: how He showed encouragement, how
> He showed justice, how He showed self-sacrifice, how He encouraged others to do
> it. All of the elements necessary for creating a healthy marriage. The example
> of the life of 'Abdu'l-Bahá must become the prototype upon which we
> establish all aspects of our relationships with the individual, within married
> life, within institutions, assemblies, and so forth.
> 
> 
> Question: Is there some practical advice that can be given to go through the
> second phase, which is such a difficult phase?
> 
> Answer: There is quite a lot of practical advice, but the occasion and the time
> would not allow me to go through the process.  The reason why we have workshops
> that last a week is exactly because of that.  Because there are many practical
> steps that people have to learn and to take, and so forth.  However, there is
> one issue at the core of all practical advice that I should mention.  Again, in
> our society, we very much like to have everything packaged and given to us.  As
> a matter of fact, North American society is a society of packages (chuckles
> from audience).  And we have become so good at packaging that we don't need to
> put anything in inside (laughter). We sell everything simply through packaging.
> In fact, this is true about every aspect of us, including us as human beings.
> For example, the leaders of our society are all packaged.  And they are
> presented and become presidents and this and that, and so forth. There's
> nothing there when you open it (laughter).  Or, for example, we ourselves, and
> the way we present ourselves in society, are packaged. And when people open up
> in the marriage, they discover, my God!, this wasn't what I thought I'd got
> (laughter).  So this is a society of packages.
> 
> Yesterday, I was talking with a publisher about one of my books, and he said,
> I'm sorry to tell you that it doesn't matter what you write: it's the cover
> that counts (laughter).  It's the cover that counts.  So that's the ultimate in
> packaging.
> 
> Now because of this, we always want practical advice of how to go about solving
> problems, as though the advice given to this couple is applicable to that
> couple, or to that one, or to that one.  Which, of course, is not the case
> because one of the things that God did was to create everything unique.  Every
> being is unique.  Everybody is different.  Why are we unique?  Because we have
> to be a reflection of the uniqueness and oneness of God.  The marriages that we
> create are also unique.  Therefore, the solutions that we have to arrive at
> must be unique also.  The most practical advice, therefore, is to learn how to
> use your creative capacities to come up with answers that are right for your
> specific marriage.  Even though your marriage is at the same stage as another
> marriage, your solution is going to be uniquely yours, and must be created by
> you, not by anybody else.  So that's why even when we are in longer sessions, I
> don't give any formulas, or any checks, any gimmicks of how to go about doing
> that, because we all have to create it ourselves.  It's more difficult, but
> it's more lasting, you see.  Otherwise, it becomes again like the television
> and radio talk shows, and all the rest.
> 
> 
> Question: I liked your analogy between eating food and sexuality, but my
> concern is that I don't know that it's for my teenager.  He actually prefers
> fast foods to gourmet (laughter from audience).
> 
> Answer: Yes, I understand that, and it's not his fault.  It's because we
> haven't really allowed this individual in our society to taste the gourmet.  So
> they don't know any better.  The reason why he likes fast food better is
> because he thinks the fast food is gourmet.  All the rest are lousy foods.  So,
> yes, it's a dilemma... Last night at a fireside, we were talking about this.
> It is a dilemma because we Bahá'ís, by virtue of being
> Bahá'ís, are abnormal people.  In other words, we're not like the
> norm.  What we have to do with our young people is to give them the courage to
> be different. The courage to stand out.  The courage to face other people who
> make fun of them for saying they don't like hamburgers. You see?  We have to
> instill in them the courage to become unique. And that process becomes crucial
> in the way we raise our children. This is a very significant issue, because in
> this society we are expected to encourage children to become like everybody
> else so they don't feel bad.  Well, of course they should feel bad.  They have
> to become unique people.  Because everybody is created unique.  And they have
> to be different.  And it's alright to be different, and it's alright for other
> people to make fun of you, because you're not like anybody else.  And I hope
> that the young people here realize that, and are proud of their uniqueness,
> rather than trying to be like everybody else.  To be a Bahá'í,
> you are unique.  And to be chaste, you are unique.  And by having discipline,
> you are unique.  And believe it or not, in the long run you make an impact
> which is far, far  more powerful than those who become like everybody else,
> like sheep and cattle. And sheep and cattle are just nobody.
> 
> (Applause)
> 
> 
> 
> * Professor H.B. Danesh, M.D., F.R.C.P.(C), is the Rector of Landegg Academy
> (www.landegg.edu) an international university located in
> Switzerland. Dr. Danesh is an author and international lecturer and consultant
> with over thirty years of academic and clinical experience as a psychiatrist.
> His areas of research and expertise include causes and prevention of violence,
> marriage and family therapy, spiritual psychology, death and dying,
> consultation and conflict resolution, ethics, and world order and peace
> studies.  Born in 1938 in Iran, he received his M.D. from the University of
> Isfahan Medical School in 1961. He specialized in psychiatry at the Illinois
> State Psychiatric Institute in Chicago and the University of British Columbia
> in Vancouver. He has served as a clinical associate professor of psychiatry and
> family medicine at the University of Ottawa, Director of the Family Therapy
> Program, the Thanatology Service, and post-graduate education in the Department
> of Psychiatry, Ottawa Civic Hospital, and Director of the Marriage Therapy
> Center in Toronto. Dr. Danesh has had a lifelong involvement in the
> Bahá'í Faith.  Formerly the General Secretary of the
> Bahá'í Community of Canada, Dr. Danesh was also a member of the
> Executive Committee of the Association for Bahá'í Studies in
> North America, and the Editorial Board of the Journal of Bahá'í
> Studies.
>
> — *Marriage and Sexuality (Used by permission of the curator)*